On linear things.

I have bad news and good news. It’s the same news:

Your journey probably won’t be linear.

Not for your career.
Not for your relationships.
Not for your confidence.
Not for your eating.
Not for your body size or body image.

It’ll get better and then worse and then better and then worse. Whatever “better” and “worse” mean, anyway.

Then it will go sideways and backwards and to the right and the left and the southeast and northwest.

Whew. Do you feel how exhausting it is? All those different directions?

This is bad news because it is friggin’ annoying that your life won’t progress like an arrow, zooming towards its destination.

But it’s also good news. If you feel like you're “off track” today or this month or this decade…it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re actually going in the wrong direction.

Of course, this isn’t to say that you can’t try to grow in the direction that you care about! I’m a coach, for goodness sakes. I help my clients do that all the time.

But it does mean that just because your journey seems zig-zag-y, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong. You might just need to take a breath, ask for a hug, and buckle up. 

Worried about being high maintenance? Here's a suggestion.

No matter what my clients come to me wanting to work on, we end up talking about their relationships. Relationships with their partners, their friends, their family members.

Something I hear a lot is this: I don’t want to be high maintenance. 

Have you thought that, too? Have you worried about requesting something of someone, or showing someone how their words affect you…because then you’d be high maintenance?

If so, then this week’s video is just for you:

As always, I’m sending you strength + support for the week ahead. You’ve got this.

It counts.

Here’s a feel-good-in-your-body suggestion for today:

Do one push-up.

Not five push-ups. Not 10. Not 20.
Just. Do. One.

I dare you. I triple-dog-dare you. Are you woman (or man) enough to just do one push-up, and then stop?

Because yes, doing one push-up may be a weird and uncomfortable for many of us. It can be a strange thing to let go of all of the stories you have about what a push-up is — an “intense workout” or “should be done in sets of 20” — and explore what it could be, in a different form.

When I do just one push-up, I feel…slightly energized. Like the blood is flowing a tiny bit better in my body. I feel subtly happier, if I’m honest.

Most people I talk to have all kinds of black-and-white, all-or-nothing stuff going on when it comes to moving their body. Either they’re doing a half hour of burpees or they’re taking a rest day. There’s certainly nothing wrong with either of those things.

But please don’t forget all of the rich, interesting, enlivening area in the middle.

1 push-up, it counts.
Taking a four minute walk down your street, it counts.
Holding a plank on your bedroom floor for 10 seconds, it counts.

I’m not saying that these joyful, small movement moments will give you Michelle Obama arms.
I’m not saying you need to do “lots of little movements” so it will “add up to a full workout.”

But I am saying that when I do just one push-up, it’s like a tiny, little happiness boost.

I thought you might like a tiny, little happiness boost, too. 

...

p.s. That picture is me playing around in Brooklyn...five years ago! Remember when I shaved my head? :)

Six reminders you might need

I finally put together an archive of the 100+ past Dessert Club blog posts, and I thought it would be nice to send out a kind of “Dessert Club Greatest Hits,” with some of my favorite reminders + encouragement for your weekend:

1. On somatic awareness and living your best life. In my early twenties, in the middle of a quarter-life crisis, my brother suggested I work with a coach. I guess it could be useful, I thought to myself. Maybe she’ll help me figure out what I should do for my next job. Oh, I was in for a treat.

2. A shout-out to the people pleasers reading this post.

3. Why do we prefer to overeat in private? The very bold ones among us might mention our “struggle with food” in conversation with friends, in an abstract sense. But would we sit down at a table with a loved one and say, “I’m bingeing right now”? And then proceed to eat an entire gallon of ice cream while the other person watched?

4. On beauty. When we think that we want to lose 10 pounds (or 5 or 15 or 500), often what we are really thinking is “If I lose weight, I will feel beautiful. So here’s my suggestion to you: If you want to feel beautiful, why don’t you focus on feeling beautiful? 

5. On pleasure buttons. For many of us, food is our easiest, most-used Pleasure Button. It’s fast.  It’s cheap. It’s reliable. So what’s the problem?

6. And finally, this poem. Trust me.

...

As always, I’m sending you strength + support for the week ahead. You’ve got this. 

I got married! And I have a permission slip for you :)

I got married a month ago!

I keep thinking that I “should” write something to you that is marriage-related, about relationships or commitments. And maybe I will, at some point. I’ll share pictures, too! :)

But honestly, there’s something else I learned from the experience that I’m wanting to share with you. It’s this:

Do you need to radically lower expectations for yourself?

Expectations about how much work you’ll get done,
how thoroughly you’ll prepare for the test or party or meeting,
how “fit” you’ll to be,
how “healthfully” you’ll eat,
how many friends you’ll have,
how on-top-of-it you’ll be in your personal and professional life,
how great a mom or friend or partner or employee you’ll be,
how often you expect be happy.

I’m thrilled to be married. My husband (!) is deep and kind and generous and smart.

But also, I’m exhausted. In addition to helping to plan a wedding, we moved across the country, lived in four different homes, and bought a place that needed some repairs. Plus I worked — and my work is deeply important to me.

So, it’s been a great year. But also, it’s been a tiring year.

The #1 most helpful thing I did for myself, during this year, was radically lowering my expectations for myself.

And when I say “radically lowering expectations for myself,” I really, truly mean it. Emphasis on “radically.”

I radically lowered expectations about how much work I could get done, how many people I could help, how much money I could make, how many new friends I could meet, how much I could travel or take on new commitments.

It’s easy to suggest this kind of thing, but living it was sometimes frustrating! There was so much more that I wanted in my heart to do, but I just didn’t have the capacity to take it on. And I was sometimes angry or judgmental about my lack of capacity. Katie, other people do way more than you. Why are you so tired? Why can’t you do more?

Do you recognize that judgmental voice? I find that most of us have it. But when I actually gave myself a permission slip to lower my expectations for myself, it was like landing on a soft, cool bed with really nice sheets.

It was way better.

So more than anything, this week I’m wanting to give you that same permission slip. Here is what it says:

It doesn’t matter if “other people” could do more.
It doesn’t matter if you think you “should” be able to do more.
All that matters is what you are capable of, and what you need in order to thrive.

Can you take the permission slip? Can you land on the soft, cool bed?

As always, I’m sending you strength + support for the week ahead. You’ve got this.

I can’t stop thinking about this recently (or: On Emotional Straightjackets)

“Cool is an emotional straightjacket.”

It’s a quote by Brené Brown, via Caroline Donofrio’s great article. Brown is saying that if you spend all of your energy trying to be “cool,” you cut yourself off from your goofy, weird, messy, awkward, wonderful authenticity. It’s like putting your true self in a metaphorical straightjacket. It limits your ability to connect with others and do your best work in the world.

First of all: amen.

But second of all, it got me thinking about how many other emotional straightjackets we have. Here are some for me:

Success
Being well-liked
Not disappointing people

On one hand, all of these are great qualities! Who doesn’t want to be a successful, well-liked person who never disappoints colleagues or loved ones?

On the other hand…it’s impossible to truly “have” these things. Even if you do your absolute best, you’ll still disappoint someone or have someone not like you. And, of course, there’s always somewhere higher to strive for in terms of success.

Yet, we still strive. And the process of striving often requires putting our deeper, messier, mushier needs or impulses in a straightjacket — locking them up and inhibiting their movements so we can do what we have to do, goshdarnit!

The experience of having all these parts of ourselves put in a straightjacket…it isn’t fun. Most of us crave deeper authenticity, connection, creativity, or more sparkling energy, but we’re also afraid to let ourselves out of a straightjacket.

—

You probably know this, at least on some intellectual level. That you sometimes “straightjacket” yourself in the pursuit of things that might not be truly worth it. But do you know it in your core or your gut?  

Would it be helpful to remind yourself, when you feel yourself feeling tired or frustrated or anxious:

“Success” is an emotional straightjacket.
“Being well-liked” is an emotional straightjacket.
“Not disappointing people” is an emotional straightjacket.
Or ________ (you fill in the blank) is an emotional straightjacket.

(Of course, this is not to say that you can’t strive to do good work, or to be a good person. It’s more that the level at which we seek to achieve these things can be unachievable.)

Does that resonate? For me, it lands far more deeply than just saying, “you need to let go of trying to be well-liked!”

And I’m curious, what is your emotional straightjacket? Share your comment below!

Other people aren't you.

It was a Saturday night, and I was sitting at a trendy, modern Mexican restaurant. White walls, white tables, white chairs, and beautiful lighting fixtures and candles. I had a mango margarita and four beautiful tiny tacos, followed by chicken enchiladas with mole sauce. 

I’d had a stressful week and was even working that weekend. To be good to myself in the little time I had alone and without work, I’d decided to take myself out to dinner.

When I got to dinner, I found that I was starving. I plowed through three small tacos, and two and a half gourmet enchiladas. Like the intuitive eater that I am, I kept asking myself “am I still hungry?” but the answer always seemed to be “YES.”

When I finished my meal – I ate nearly everything – the waitress looked at me with a knowing smile. “A bit too much, eh?” This is one of those modernist New York Mexican restaurants, filled with rail-thin women with straight hair sipping trendy beverages. It’s probably not every day that a woman comes into this modern, hip restaurant and orders two appetizers and one entrée and eats almost all of them herself.

A little flustered, I said to her, “Oh, no, it was perfect. I was so hungry.”

As I walked home, I reminded myself that it’s okay it’s okay for people to make assumptions about who I am and what I need.

It’s also okay for them to be wrong.

Do you know that feeling? That moment, when someone else makes an assumption about what you should want or should be in the world? 

Suddenly, even if you didn't doubt your decision before, you feel...wobbly. A little insecure.  

I just wanted to give you a reminder this week: It's hard to stand in your truth in the world. It's inevitable that other people will make assumptions about who you are and what you need.

But, of course, other people will also be wrong. 

And if you ever feel strange or weird or uncertain, you can always think of me, sitting alone at a trendy Mexican restaurant, enjoying my unfashionably large meal. 

I’m rooting for you :)

What’s your if-only-I-were-thin fantasy?

Let’s do something fun together.

We all know that being thinner wouldn’t actually improve our lives in the ways that matter most. I mean, you’re probably a smart, feminist person, right? And yet…is there a sneaky little part of you that would really, really like to lose a couple of pounds?

Rather than trying to shame that part away (stop giving into society’s beauty standards, self!), why don’t we just spend some time with that voice, and really listen to what it has to say.

I want to get really, really literal about it. So: take five minutes, grab a piece of paper, and answer these prompts at least 3x each:

• If I were thinner, I would…
• If I were thinner, I wouldn’t…

I’ll play!

I’ve done enough personal work to know that my life wouldn’t particularly change if I were thinner.

And yet, I’m a woman who lives in the 21st century — there’s still a part of my brain that can get seduced by that “oh, wouldn’t it be nice to lose X pounds” thought train. I don’t take those thoughts too seriously anymore, and I absolutely don’t change how I eat because of them. But I also think — as I said above — that it can be more useful to investigate them than to push them away because we “shouldn’t” have them.

So in that spirit, here’s my “how my life would change if I were thinner” list as of Friday at 12:13 p.m.:

• I’d dress better. I’d wear cute but comfortable clothes every day, have just-the-right casual yet pretty clothes to wear for going out to dinner or to a friend’s backyard party, and a small but very well-curated couple of dresses and maybe a jumpsuit to wear when I’ve got something fancy on deck (a wedding, a bridal shower, a night at the opera). 
   
• My hair would look fantastic, all the time. It would be smooth, yet curly. I would know how to do a bunch of great hairstyles with it.
   
• I would feel more “pampered.” (note from rational Katie: Wait, what the heck does being more “pampered” mean?) Well, I seem to be extremely well moisturized in this fantasy, and I’m not wearing month-old nail polish that’s 60% cracked off. I seem to go to yoga somewhat regularly, and I have somewhat-frequent massages. 
   
• I would be more productive. Interestingly, it’s not like I work a million hours, but I seem to just be more diligent about getting everything done.
   
• I would be glamorously social. Somehow in this fantasy, I am laughing with a flute of prosecco at a hip bar with a bunch of lady friends. I’m wearing a great going out top and skinny jeans. We’re all so funny and fabulous. 

...

I realized two things, reading this list. Maybe you’re already noticed them, too:

1. NONE of these things require losing weight.

I can do my hair, moisturize my hands, drink prosecco at a bar, wear cute clothes or just freaking get work done without losing an ounce.

Some people feel that because they have a larger body, they can’t wear cute clothes. I would ask if you’ve ever seen Tess Holliday? Or Kellie Brown? I’ve also been told by some past clients that their bodies are too large to find a good romantic relationship, but I’ve met people of all body sizes in very happy and fulfilling relationships (and I bet you have too).

2. There are a lot of good reasons why I have chosen to not strive for many things on this list.

For example:

• Really good hair is high maintenance. I like to sweat while I exercise and walk outside without worrying about my hair frizzing.
• Massages and a lot of new clothes sound really nice, but my financial situation will probably be the same regardless of my weight, and I feel good about how I allocate money to clothes and indulgences right now. I can enjoy these things in smaller ways, over time.
• When I hang out with my friends, we do occasionally drink prosecco in bars, but more frequently we eat cookies on couches in their apartments. And I like it that way.
• Also, I’m a huge introvert, and the idea of being “glamorously social” kind of exhausts me. It’s one of those things that sounds nicer in the theoretical novel of my life than in reality.

...

Is it possible that our “if I were thin” fantasies are:

(1)    available to us, right now, and/or

(2)    things we have chosen not to pursue?

Wouldn’t that be kind of crazy and amazing?

I’d love to hear from all you! What are your “if I were thin” fantasies? And do you really have to lose weight to achieve them? Share with all of us in the comments — I think it’d be fun to see what everyone gets up to! 

Here's a photo I think about a lot.

What do you think, when you see this photo?

For me, this photo evokes beauty and lushness and spaciousness. Those rich colors, that empty water and sky.

When I think about being there, I assume that all of that sun and ocean and majestic natural beauty would make me feel calm and joyful and juicy.

And yet, I was there when this photo was taken, and I wasn’t feeling any of those things. Here’s what I actually felt:

• Exhausted. This was our last day of vacation and I was pooped. And I felt guilty about feeling so exhausted. Why do you get tired so easily, Katie? Why can’t you just have FUN?
• Dirty. My body felt salty and sandy and grimy because we’d spent a lot of days at the beach, and even though I showered each day, some sand always seemed to remain. (I think this was definitely influenced by being tired, too).
• Anxious. We were on a small boat, and my very sweet husband (then boyfriend) kept leaning over the edge with my phone, to get the best angles for photos. I was afraid he’d drop my phone overboard!

At our AirBnb that evening, I looked at the incredible photos Gil had taken and could see what beauty and majesty and juiciness the photos evoke. And I definitely wanted that!

But did I want to be back on that boat, feeling the things I had felt? Nope.

It made me realize: We don’t always want to be where those photos are. We want to feel what those photos evoke.

When we’re in a self-aware mood, most of us know that comparing ourselves to other people’s social media pictures isn’t fair. We’re seeing their peak moments, and everyone has anxious or sad or not-cute days that they don’t post on Instagram.

But for me, this realization about the vacation picture took it a step further. It forced me to really ask the question:

Do I really want what this picture is showing? E.g., a gorgeous beach or a fabulous breakfast or a romantic photoshoot?

or

Do I want what this photo evokes in me? E.g., adventure or freedom or pleasure or love or beauty?

I love vacations and delicious meals and spending time with my husband as much as the next girl. But, honestly, those things don’t always give me that peak feeling that a picture can evoke.

We can spend time with our significant other and feel grumpy or unattractive.
We can have a delicious meal and be worrying about a work deadline.
And, as I mentioned, we can be on vacation and feel tired and grimy and anxious.

On the other hand, totally mundane and un-sexy things can sometimes evoke those feelings that those pictures represent.

Remember how I said that I didn’t feel beauty and spaciousness and joy when that photo of the beach was taken? Well, you know when I did feel that way? Last Friday, when I took the afternoon off, bought myself sushi at Whole Foods, and read a romance novel for two hours.

Heck, I felt so downright joyful that day, I literally skipped in the parking lot of Whole Foods. (And an older man gave me a strange look.)

There’s no glamorous photo to capture that day. I’m pretty sure it was overcast and I was wearing old leggings and my hair wasn’t cute. There was nothing good to capture. But I felt far more of the feelings the picture evokes for me than I felt on the actual day it was taken.

Here’s a fun question for your Sunday: What’s a photo that captures how you want to feel today? Do you need to do that thing (e.g., go on vacation, have a photoshoot in the park while wearing full makeup), or is there something else that would be just as effective? 

A reminder

A reminder: it’s going to take the time it takes.

You can’t rush your own process. Even if your brain thinks you “should” have had enough rest, hugs, love, tears, chocolate, or french fries by now….

…it doesn’t matter. You need what you need. Denying it will only get you stuck in a cycle of frustration.

As always, I’m sending you strength + support for the week ahead. You’ve got this.

How to have less exhausting arguments

You’re the most selfish person I’ve ever met.

...

...

How did you feel when you read that? How would you feel if someone you cared about said that to you?

Would you feel a clenching in your stomach?
Would you think, Oh god, what did I do? I’m so sorry!
Or, she has no right to say that!

Marshall Rosenberg, in his classic (and really fabulous) book Non-Violent Communication, points out that we have four potential responses whenever someone says something negative to us. We can:

1. Blame ourselves
2. Blame others
3. Sense into our own feelings and needs
4. Sense into other person’s feelings and needs

Which of these four we choose have a big effect on how messy and painful our arguments get. But many of us default to one or two of these responses — and not always the good ones.

Let’s say that someone you cared about made a painful accusation about you, something like “You’re an extremely selfish person.” You could respond in one of four ways:

1. Blame yourself: Oh man, I am such a selfish person! I am the worst! I immediately need to apologize for absolutely everything I did to this person!

I don’t know about you, but for much of my life, this was one of my go-to responses. Apologize, apologize, apologize. And there’s a certain good intention there — we want others to feel better, so we accept blame and responsibility.

But, as Rosenberg points out, in doing so we accept the other person’s (negative) judgements of ourselves – which may not always be true. And down the line, this can really mess up our self esteem, and lead us to feeling chronically guilty, ashamed, and depressed.

2.  Blame others: She has absolutely no business telling me that I’m self-centered! If anything, she’s the self-centered one!

This is also something that I’ve done. I mean, haven’t we all? The problem is that this response just generates anger, rather than helping to necessarily resolve the conflict.

If we just say that the other person “shouldn’t” feel that way, rather than having any empathy for how they are feeling, it’s hard to connect and truly resolve conflict.

3. Sense into your own feelings and needs: Wow, I feel really triggered right now. That accusation brought up all the self-judgement that I already have when I try to take care of myself instead of automatically doing what other people want.  

Instead of assuming that the other person is right or getting mad at them, with this approach you simply notice what’s happening for you.

You notice how this one accusation brought up other negative thoughts and self-judgements that already existed in your head. You notice how this particular statement triggered all kinds of other, deeper fears.

When you start from this place you’re not blaming anyone — either the other person or yourself. You’re just giving yourself the chance to notice all these feelings that are already happening, so you don’t get overwhelmed by them and react inappropriately.

4.  Sense into the other person's feelings and needs: I guess that she was really wanting to feel supported by me, and because I attended to my own needs instead, she wasn’t able to get what she wanted. It seems like this was really painful for her.

With this approach, you try to assess what the other person was feeling or needing. Again, there’s not any judgement here — she’s not a “bad person” for wanting or needing something, or for having a particular reaction to not having her wants or needs met.

At the same time, you’re not blaming yourself. It’s not that you’re a bad person because you didn’t meet her needs, or because she had a particular emotional reaction .

You’re just noticing what seems to be happening for her.

—

Rosenberg points out that when our main reactions are #1 or #2, we tend to have more painful or messy conflict with others. We either feel guilty and take on blame that we may not wholly deserve, or we get angry and blame the other person. Either way, we’re throwing a lot of blame around — and that tends to make things worse.

On the other hand, either #3 or #4 are awesome starting places. When we can have empathy and understanding for both ourselves or another person — again, just understanding how both of us are feeling without judgement — we can begin the conversation with kindness and are more likely to be able to diffuse the situation.

Even more powerfully, we all respond more positively when we feel heard and seen with empathy. For example, maybe you couldn’t have behaved differently. But when the other person knows that you hear their pain, and you would like to help them resolve their pain, they tend to relax.

On a personal note, it’s hard to overemphasize how much more kind, relaxed, and safe my arguments with loved ones feel when I can remember to start with #3 or #4. I can’t recommend them enough.

—

Over to you! Think of a recent conflict you’ve had: which of the four reactions did you have? Which of the four did you completely forget about? 

On Fitbits and fitness trackers

Recently, someone in a Dessert Club asked me about fitness trackers. I know you don’t believe in weighing yourself, they said, but what do you make of fitness trackers?

Frankly, I have no inherent objections to fitness trackers. Counting the number of steps you take in a day seems...fine. If that's what you're into, have at it.

However, I do think that if you are considering using one, you need to ask yourself two questions:

1. Why are you considering using a fitness tracker? 
   
   Are you hoping the fitness tracker will help you improve your mood? Manage anxiety? Feel good in your body? Lose weight? Get stronger? Get healthier?
   
   Are you able to be real with yourself about whether those motivations are useful for you? For example, the desire to use a fitness tracker might come from the mean voice in your head that is always saying life would be much better if you lost five pounds. Is that a voice you want to encourage?
    
2. What is the result of using this device?
   
   You might start using a fitness tracker with the best of intentions. I just want to help myself walk 8,000 steps a day because I feel so much better when I do! 
   
   But, over time, how does using a fitness tracker affect how you relate to movement and your body? Do you still feel a natural appetite to move? Do you feel like you're allowed to rest?

—

A couple of additional notes about “tracking”:

1. I have no inherent objection to “tracking” movement or setting movement goals.

I don’t use a fitness tracker, but I have a personal movement intention: I try to get in ~45 minutes of movement per day. Usually this means a long walk, but sometimes I go to a yoga or a dance class. Movement is an extremely effective stress reliever for me, and knowing approximately what I need to do every day simplifies my life.

But some days, I don’t exercise. Maybe I’m tired or I’m busy, and forcing myself to “get it done” would make me more stressed. And I’m fine with that, too.

The key here is that your intentions or goals should help you take care of yourself, rather than impede your ability to do so. You need to be honest (and it's hard to be that honest!) with yourself about whether these goals are actually helping you.

However, please remember…

2. Depending on your past relationship to movement and exercise, any kind of goal-setting may not be a good idea for you right now.

Maybe you’ve spent so long “forcing” yourself to exercise, that you’ve lost all natural appetite for movement. Maybe setting any kind of goal sparks a competitive part of you that tends to compare yourself to others and become too fixated on a particular body type.

Maybe you need to just spend a long time resting, and waiting until your body truly wants to move.

Just because any kind of goal-setting isn’t healthy for you right now, doesn’t mean it couldn’t work for you months or years into the future. But please honor what you are needing now.

3. Notice if you have a tendency to outsource your self-care.

I think Fitbits are part of a larger trend towards outsourcing our ability to care for ourselves. We don’t trust our internal signals, or we’ve completely forgotten how to tune into them. So instead of looking within, we look for guidance from fitness trackers and food plans and diets and articles online.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with expert or technological advice. But it troubles me that many of us have come to privilege external, often technological, insight above our own.

On one hand, buying a fitbit or otherwise outsourcing our self-care is sometimes easier than the alternative. The alternative means actually checking in with our bodies and ourselves. Intellectually, it doesn’t sound that hard to “check in,” but in our world of busy-ness and buzzing and having a million things to do, it can be hard to actually check in with how our bodies are doing. Doing so requires feeling things, and we doing always want to feel things. 

And yet, what is the cost?

—

Oh, and one final reminder: when in doubt, err on the side of gentleness.

On negative feelings.

Have you felt anxious or sad lately? Or maybe some other feeling that you can’t-quite-name, but it feels big and a little scary? 

If so, I made this video for you.

Or maybe you aren’t feeling too bad right now, but there’s something lurking beneath the surface that you're really hoping won’t pop up.

You might like this video, too. 

(And if you aren’t feeling any kind of negative feelings right now, awesome! Yay! You might enjoy the video anyway. Or just go out and enjoy the sunshine)

As always, I’m sending you so much caring + strength + support for the week ahead. You’ve got this.

p.s. Have you ever thought about working with a life coach? Or maybe you’ve mostly just thought What the heck is a life coach?  

As it so happens, I’m a life coach! You can find out more about my work here, and if you’d like to see if coaching would be a good fit for you (or figure out what the heck coaches do!), feel free to reach out :)

This is totally true, even if it sounds cheesy.

How we eat is how we live. And how we live is how we eat.

It sounds too cheesy to be true. But it is.

(I can’t take credit for it. The fairy godmother of compulsive eating recovery, the great Geneen Roth, taught me).

The significance of “How we eat is how we live. And how we live is how we eat.” goes both ways, a million times around.

Are you…

…Afraid that if you let yourself eat as much chocolate (or sweet potato fries, or peanut butter cookies), that you’ll never stop eating? That soon you’ll become as big as a house?

That same story, the “I couldn’t possibly do X; I'd ruin everything,” can show up in so many other ways.

Personally, I had this fear about food, but also about career and relationships: “if I leave this career path, I’ll never make enough money or be okay in life” or “If I do what I want socially, everyone I know will hate me.” And even though those fears weren’t completely delusional (sure, these things are technically possible), they were far less likely than other, more positive outcomes. 

…Convinced that once you lose 10 pounds, or fit into those jeans again, your life will really start? That then you’ll be happy?

Have you also thought that you don’t have what you truly want in life (love, confidence, connection to others, fulfillment, a feeling of safety) because you don’t have the job, level of success, relationship, bank account balance, perfect dress?

This isn't to say that those things couldn't make you happier (sure they could!) — but do you sometimes get fixated on a particular happiness "button," and forget that there are many other things that you could also do to boost your wellbeing? 

….Resentful of other people who seem to “not have to worry about their eating or weight so much.”  

Do you feel jealous that other people have their relationships or work or family or productivity or just general comfort-in-the-world figured out…while you sometimes seem to be flailing?

Do you sometimes forget that other people’s outsides are never going to look as messy and chaotic and weird as your inside?

…Likely to ignore your hunger? Do you think “gotta power through this now I’ll deal with eating later” ?

If so, are you also someone who tends to ignore other aspects of self-care? Like, making sure that your body moves enough or that you get enough sleep or that your mind rests and gets to do fun things enough?

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The reason why “How we eat is how we live, and how we live is how we eat” is so magical is because it means that if you face your roadblocks in any area of your life, it will help you in all of the other ones!

Once I realized, for example, that I could eat as much chocolate as I wanted without obtaining the body mass of an adult elephant (because I had a natural feedback mechanism that told me when I’d had too much chocolate), I realized that it might be possible to trust myself when making decisions about my career or relationships, too. In that way, dealing with my eating issues helped me change the rest of my life in some overwhelmingly positive ways.

But also, doing personal work on non-eating parts of my life helped me have an even better relationship with food, too.

At the end of the day, our relationship with food is deeply intertwined with our relationship with all other elements of our lives. That’s why an we need an integral approach to eating — one that emphasizes that all elements of our lives impact our eating, and that all elements of our eating impact our lives!

What common patterns do you see in how you eat and how you live?   

On authentic people

Can I admit something?

Sometimes I can be a bit embarrassed about myself. Sometimes I think that I should change and be more social, more productive, more generous, less emotional. Sometimes I think my body should look different than it does.

But when I run into authentic people, it’s like I can sign a breath of relief.

I don’t even know how to describe what it is to meet an authentic person — it’s more of the feeling they give off, that vibrant, alive energy. It’s like they are emitting a special frequency, a “ding” that happens when you inner self is in alignment with your outer self …

Do you know what I mean? Whether they are happy or sad or anxious or jazzed up or quiet…when I am with them, their “rightness” is in the air.

It relaxes me.
It reminds me that it’s okay for me to be me, too.
It’s such a gift.
And so, when I find myself wondering if I “should be different,” I remember the best thing I can do is embrace my own authenticity and integrity — as my own gift to the world. So maybe someone else who runs into me will take in a big breath of my energy, and maybe it will help them feel better.

Do you know any people who remind you that it’s okay to be you?

On being someone who can throw away an ice cream cone without finishing it.

Sometimes I think about an interview with Julianne Moore that I read some time ago. She was talking about feeding her kids dessert:

My kids have always been allowed to have dessert. My husband thinks I'm too free and easy about that kind of stuff, but my kids will throw out a half-eaten ice cream cone if they've had enough, which I've never in my life been able to do.

I keep thinking about that, because of another (refreshingly honest) thing she said, in a different interview:

I'm hungry all the time. I think I'm a slender person, but the industry apparently doesn't. All actresses are hungry all the time, I think.

I can’t help but wonder: is there a connection between having to be hungry all the time, and feeling that half an ice cream cone is never enough?*

Is there a connection between a focus on weight, and a pre-occupation with ice cream?

I can’t know for Julianne, but for me, there definitely was.

What about you?

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* For the record, many of us can choose to only eat half the ice cream cone — or eat no ice cream at all! — while still being preoccupied with it. I know that I was, for a long time! 

A question

Are you waiting for someone to hand you the key?
Are you waiting for someone to say, “you have permission” ?

Permission to say yes, to say no, to say I need to trust my gut on this.

What if you were the only true giver of keys, grantor of permissions?

How I Got Myself out of a Body Insecurity Meltdown

I recently moved back to my hometown of LA, and one Saturday I decided it would be a good idea to go shopping at the big, swanky department stores in Beverly Hills (and when I say “shopping” I mostly mean “touch the silky fabrics and check out the sale rack and dream”).

But as soon as I stepped inside one of those Swanky Department Stores, some odd things started to happen:

Browsing the very expensive shoes, I suddenly had the crystal-clear knowledge that my outfit — which had seemed so cute at my apartment an hour ago — was completely NOT RIGHT.

And my hair! My hair was in a completely stupid bun on my head. Granted, an hour ago I had thought my hair was “casual and cute in a not-trying-too-hard” way, but, Oh! Past Self! How you lived in woeful ignorance!

Most troublingly of all, I became suddenly convinced that my body was larger than every single other body in this store. And obviously, it was NOT OKAY to have a large body, standing there among the athleisure-clad, toned, blonde LA women who were consulting their also-toned gay male friends about the pros and cons of rhinestone-studded heels. 

Reading this, I’m sure it’s clear to you that I was having a mini insecurity meltdown. Maybe if you were standing nearby and I had told you my feelings, you would have reassured me that my appearance was just fine.

And yet, when we are in the throes of those moments, 1) we don’t like to tell other people how we feel, and 2) we think those negative voices are right.

So I wanted to share how I got myself out of it, in the hopes that it might be helpful for you someday, when you need it most:
 

1. I started by acknowledging that there could be some truth in what those insecure voices in my head were saying. I know that the ideal thing would be to discount these ideas as completely false — but I find that can be hard to do in the middle of a mini insecurity meltdown. So instead I said:
   
   Fine, maybe it’s true that my hair or my clothes or my body are not as “good” as those other women. Maybe it’s even true that if I really had my way, I’d like to have hair or clothes or a body that’s just like those other women. I don’t like that I have these negative thoughts, but fine, I do.
    
2. Then I acknowledged what else I know for sure about my body.
   
   BUT I know from past experience that if I try to be as thin as some of the women I’m seeing, I will make myself miserable, and it probably won’t even work in the long term. On the other hand, I really like how I eat now. I really enjoy not being hungry all the time and being able to eat cookies when I feel like it and not having to obsess all the time about what I’m going to eat or not eat.
    
3. I got really honest with myself about the tradeoffs.
   
   Maybe the result of eating in a way that I really, really like is that my body isn’t “perfect.” And you know what, even if my body isn’t “perfect,” it’s at least 80% of what I could ever want. And hey — 80% there is pretty darn good.

And that last move — that “I’m okay with a body that is 80%” — that really turned it around for me.

Because it reminded me that we never get to have 100% of what we want, 100% of the time. Not with happiness, or confidence, or energy.
Not with relationships or careers.
And, of course, not with our bodies.

And — on the flip side — I find that most of us are 80% of the way there, most of the time. There is a lot that I appreciate about my body, for example, even if my brain is able to think of ways that it could be even more “perfect.” Ditto for relationships or career or hair or even the contents of my wardrobe.

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I know, in an ideal world, I would’ve been able to say in that moment, “hey, my body is fabulous! It’s totally sexy and amazing and wonderful.” Heck, in an ideal world I wouldn’t have had those insecure body thoughts. I would be so completely indoctrinated with body positivity, it wouldn’t even occur to me.

And sometimes I do think my body is freaking awesome! But sometimes I don’t. I’m okay with living in this imperfect world, with this imperfect mind. I’m okay with the fact that I don’t feel body infatuation every single second of the day.

My personal body neutrality philosophy means that it’s okay if I have negative body thoughts sometimes — I just have to remind myself that I am choosing to not actively try to change my body because I prioritize other things. 

And as for the rest of my shopping trip? I enjoyed viewing all of the beautiful, silky dresses, thank-you-very-much.

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I’d love to know: What do you say to yourself in the middle of a body insecurity moment? Leave a comment to share the wealth!

On somatic awareness and living your best life

In my early twenties, in the middle of a quarter-life crisis, my brother suggested I work with a coach.

I guess it could be useful, I thought to myself. Maybe she’ll help me figure out what I should do for my next job.

Oh, I was in for a treat.

I learned many, many things from working with my coach (and that experience is one of the reasons I’m now a coach myself), but one of the most powerful was the power of somatic — or body-based — awareness. Up till then, I’d been a pretty smart, intellectual person, making most decisions using some kind of detailed pro-con list.

Somatic awareness totally changed my decision-making process — and is a huge part of how I now work with clients myself.

I wanted to share more about what somatic awareness is, why it’s so incredibly useful, and how you can cultivate it, so I made you a video.

Whether you’ve heard of “somatic awareness" before, or it sounds kind of hippy-dippy and weird, I think you’ll enjoy the video :)

A Dessert Club Manifesto

Every week, I try to share things that will be helpful or encouraging. But I think that an overarching Manifesto (yes, I just used the M-word) is far overdue, from me to you. Manifestos are powerful — they tell us what really matters, and what doesn’t.

So here it is: the Dessert Club Manifesto.

I, Katie Seaver, hereby declare:
 

1. It’s possible to live a less stressful and more satisfying life.

Worrying, thinking or feeling guilty about our eating or weight takes a lot of energy and can prevent us from truly thriving. Eating in a way that makes us feel sick, sluggish, or unhappy also zaps important life resources. Developing a happier and more pleasurable relationship with food, and a more respectful and kind relationship with our bodies, has far-reaching benefits and is possible.

2. Stop worrying about what you’re eating. Consider why you’re eating.

Give yourself more credit. You’re a smart and capable person. You know that eating half a jar of Nutella isn’t the healthiest thing in the world. But you did it anyway, and you’ll probably do it again if you don’t get to the bottom of why you keep acting this way.

3. Whenever you eat in a way that feels odd or out-of-control, you’re likely reacting to some deep issues that you may not even be aware of.

The good news is you’re not crazy. The good news is a binge-loving gremlin isn’t living in your head. The bad news is that it’s time for you to do some personal exploration. Every person I’ve ever worked with — without a single exception — had more going on internally than they initially realized.

4. Given the complexity of our motivations around food, an integral approach to eating is the only thing that makes sense.

An integral approach to eating means that we consider you as a whole person, leaving nothing out. Your relationships, environment, feelings, somatic awareness, spirituality, social world, ambitions and dreams, and fears and anxieties all deeply impact your eating and relationship to your body. Let’s talk about all of them.

5. You’re in a lifelong relationship, so you might as well make the best of it.

You’re in a lifelong relationship with your body and yourself. It might not have been a relationship that you would have chosen, but you’re stuck with it. Divorce isn’t an option. Spending a lot of time telling yourself that you’re “bad,” or trying to change something about yourself for the 10,534th time is exhausting and not that useful. It’s far more helpful to focus on making the relationship pleasant for everyone involved, for the long term.

6. Eating and weight are social justice issues. 

You can do all the personal work that you want, but if we still live in a world that says your body has to be a certain size to be worthy of love and respect, it will likely affect your eating and attitude toward your body. This work does not exist in a vacuum.

7. There’s no “there” there.

You’re never going to be a 100% “perfect” eater or have a 100% “perfect” body, whatever that means. You’re not going to be 100% happy, confident, or safe all the time, either. Who told you it was possible to stop being a messy, imperfect human, anyway? I think that’s good news, though — there’s no way to fail at this work, because you’re not going to get it 1,000% right, ever. So you might as well start!

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I’d love to know: Are you in? Which of these seven points resonates with you the most? Shoot me an email or leave me a comment below…or if you’re shy, just think it and send it my way. I’ll get it :)