As an addendum to my last essay, I wanted to share another thing that I’ve noticed about eating in the era of COVID-19. Frankly, it’s an annoying thing.
Here it is: Food isn’t tasting as good to me.
Or, maybe it would be more accurate to say: Food isn’t tasting as good to me as I want it to taste.
I’ve been noticing it the past few weeks, since we’ve all been trying to avoid leaving our homes for any non-essential reasons. At first, I assumed it was because I just wasn’t getting as much variety as I was used to — I couldn’t run out for a dense, intensely chocolate brownie from my local bakery, or a chai latte from my local coffee shop, or a delicious salad from a local restaurant. My husband and I used to enjoy going out for dinner or brunch on a weekend, and we can’t do that anymore (and, while we’d like to get take-out, we’re trying to be extra, extra cautious because of my pregnancy).
And I do think that’s part of it. But I also think it’s something else.
I think the other part is that I’m feeling deprived in my life, as a whole.
I mean, we all are. I’m not here to pity myself — I have it better than most, frankly: I’m able to keep working, I live in a climate where I can take lots of walks in the sunshine, and most people I know and love are healthy or have had relatively mild/moderate experiences with COVID-19.
And yet, it’s also true that I’m feeling deprived. I miss writing and doing admin work at the public library during the day. I miss walks and get-togethers with friends. I miss hanging out with my parents. I miss going out to restaurants or bakeries or even just wandering the aisles of Target when I need to buy deodorant but also want to look at their newest collection of home goods.
I miss being in the world.
Because here’s the thing: I’ve been trying to feed myself delicious things. I’m cooking and baking and buying tasty-looking cookies from the grocery store. And yet, none of it seems to taste quite as good as I would expect.
So what do I do about this? Honestly, I don’t think there’s a single answer. I think a big part of it is accepting that I simply won’t get to feel quite the level of pleasure that I am seeking, and making peace with that.
Mostly, I wanted to share this with you because I often write about how food issues are not just about food. This felt like such a clear example of it to me: I am feeling deprived with food because I am feeling deprived in life.
So, I’ll pose the question to you: Are you noticing this, in your relationship with food recently? How can you sit with the deprivation, even if you can’t necessarily fix it, for now?