I want to talk to you about something that’s a bit delicate. I’ve hesitated to write about it for a while, because it’s a slightly different take than what I read in the body-positive, intuitive eating media that I respect.
It’s something that I often say to clients when we’re talking person-to-person. Person-to-person, I know that I can explain myself and they’ll get it.
But also, I think it’s important and I wonder if it might help you.
So I’m going to go for it today:
I think it’s okay to want to lose weight.
Did you hear me, world? I think it’s okay to want to lose weight!
On one hand, I know that’s not a radical thing to say. The weight loss industry, which had over $72 billion dollars in 2018 sales in the US alone, is selling us that every day. Plus, nearly everyone you see in on tv or in the movies or magazines is thin — and as a result, many of us subconsciously associate slimness with happiness or attractiveness or success or adventure.
And yet, that’s not my deal.
I mean, have you read the Dessert Club manifesto?I strongly believe that all people in all bodies are worthy of equal love, respect, and opportunities. I strongly object to the loud messages that tell us that the only acceptable weight is thin.
Because of my work, I see the intense pain that can be caused by the pursuit of thinness. I meet a lot of people who have tortured themselves for decades trying to lose weight. I’ve seen how the pursuit of thinness can completely mess with a person’s life. I don’t want that kind of suffering for anyone.
And yet, I still believe that it’s okay to want to lose weight.
You know why? Because I don’t think it ever really works to deny what you want. And if you want to lose weight, then you want to lose weight.
I’ve met with a lot of people who want to lose weight, but also feel that it’s not okay to want to lose weight. They google “how to love your body” and try to remind themselves that “it’s not about how my body looks. It’s what my body can do.” They follow body positive people on social media and read fabulous, feminist articles about how society distorts beauty standards.
I completely support all of those actions. I’ve done many of them myself, and have found them to be very useful. But I’ve also met plenty of people who’ve done all of those actions, and maybe even found some relief from them…but who still, despite it all, want to lose weight.
To which I say: Fine. No problem. So you want to lose weight. That’s not a completely crazy thing to want, especially given the world we live in.
But here’s what else I tell them:
What else do you want?
Do you want to stop constantly thinking about your food and body size?
Do you want to stop tracking everything you eat and worrying so much about portions?
Do you want to stop having to be hungry so often?
Do you want to walk into a restaurant and order the most delicious thing on the menu without thinking twice?
Do you want to stop having what you ate ruin your day?
Mostly, I tell them this: Even though it’s okay and normal to want conflicting things, unfortunately sometimes you have to choose.
Did you catch that? Sometimes you have to choose. You have to choose between “pursuing weight loss” and “feeling sane around food.”
Of course, not every person has to choose all the time. The world is unfair. But if you are one of those people who has had a lot of past pain and anguish around food and your weight — and if you’re reading this blog, there’s a good chance you are — then yes, you probably do have to choose.
To be clear:
“Choosing” food sanity doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll gain a ton of weight, or that your body will be unhealthy. Honestly, I have seen all kinds of things happen to people’s weight when they choose sanity around food. Your body may change in a variety of ways — even ways that may be socially-valued! — or it may not.
You can choose something now, and choose something different later. It’s possible (though I’m not guaranteeing this) — once you have healed yourself, you could choose a different prioritization in the future.
But the bottom line is this: time is finite. Emotional energy is finite. And sometimes, unfortunately, you have to choose.
…
And one more thing: even if you think you want to choose “weight loss”…is that really true?
Because if you often find yourself completely rebelling against your diet or “sensible eating plan,” it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to wonder whether what your true first priority, deep down, is to have a sane and happy and respectful relationship with food and your body.
Even if you think your first priority is weight loss, your actions will typically show you what your first priority actually is.
As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.