Oh please.

Oh please, girl.

Please stop pretending like you are a virtuous automaton.

Like your purpose in life is to accomplish to-do lists and eat reasonable portions of “healthy” foods and be nice to everyone.
Like you don’t have swirling dark messy juiciness inside of you.

Is that what you want? To spend the next twenty years doing to-do list after to-do list and eating pre-portioned meal after pre-portioned meal?

To feel like you are doing things as you absolutely “should”?

And yes, I know that there is a part of you that does want that. After all, you are so good! So nice! You do such good work and you care about everyone! And doing things precisely “right” is so satisfying and means that you never get in trouble.

I know that because I’ve been there.

But in the bigger sense: what is your life about?

Is it, just maybe, about feeling like the most vibrant, alive, genuine version of yourself?
Is it, just maybe, about being a bit more mushy?
Is it, just maybe, about being a bit more explosive?

Is it, just maybe, about being a bit more you?

--

And will you find more "you-ness" in losing 3.5 pounds and fitting perfectly into those jeans?
Or is it somewhere else?
Somewhere more mysterious?
Somewhere more messy and chaotic and exciting and creative and alive?

--

Losing weight and being yourself aren’t mutually exclusive. But sometimes in the obsession with weight loss, we lose touch with our messy, wild, weird, mushy, mysterious selves. We smooth out all of our spikes and push down all of the voices and whispers and cries and deepest yearnings from inside.

And I don’t want that for any of us.

Guess what? Your food problem isn't really about food.

Your food problem isn’t about food.

And it’s not about eating, or the fact that you need more willpower around Krispy Kremes.

It’s everything else.

I know that can be hard to hear.

If it was about food, then you could just find the perfect diet, and everything would be fixed.

But your food problem isn’t about food.

And until you figure out what is going on with the Everything Else that’s causing you to have a Food Problem, you will always have a food problem.

What is going on with your relationships?

With your career?

With your feelings about ambition, about authenticity, about success, about your story of who you “should” be in the world, and who you actually are?

With your family and their expectations, with your friends and their needs?

What is going on with how you spend your day and how you’d like to spend your morning, evening, and night?

Let me say this another way:

Are you dressing, moving, talking, laughing, loving, walking, sleeping, working, thinking and striving in a way that expresses your deepest, most truthful self?

One of my deepest beliefs is that food problems are barely about food at all. They are much more a sign that our lives are not in alignment.

Sure, there are practices that we need to do to examine our eating more closely (like eating when we’re hungry, stopping when we’re full, and eating without distractions), but really, the point of those practices is that they are the warning bell.

If we’re eating when we’re not hungry, something else is going on.

If we’re eating past fullness, something else is going on.

If we always need to be distracted, something else is going on.

So if you find it abhorrently uncomfortable even to contemplate not reading or going on your phone while you eat lunch, you have to figure out what’s up.

Is it uncomfortable to think of eating without distractions because you never get any time to yourself and this is your time to relax and have fun?

Or because when you put down your distractions, all kinds of thoughts and feelings come up that are completely overwhelming?

Or because you feel really awkward eating without distractions because nobody else at your office does?

Whatever your answer, it gives you a treasure chest of information about how you spend your day, how you deal with feelings and thoughts, and what your relationship is to your job.

You might need more time to relax.

You might need to deeply investigate your thoughts.

You might need to re-evaluate what you want out of your job.

I am extremely, intensely, passionately interested in this.

I am extremely, intensely, passionately interested in your deepest truth, your wants and needs and desires and everything you hate but think you should love.

I’m not particularly interested in dieting, or a perfect 10-step system for weight loss management.

But I am extremely interested in using food as a lens to understand core, essential insights about what we do and do not want from life.  

--

Here's the deal: this 'untangling what is actually, really causing your eating issues' ? It's really hard to do. 

Really, really hard to do.

Here at the Dessert Club, we've found that it's much easier to do with help. With the support of others, and a group leader, and a curriculum, books to read, and specific practices. It's easier to do it in bite-sized pieces, so you don't get overwhelmed and can slowly build up your skills. 

Because you can do it. So many of our past participants can attest to that. (Read more about their stories here).

So if you want to get started, join a group, friend :)

You can't solve eating issues without solving body image issues.

You have food problems because you have body image problems.

I’m sorry, but I have to say it.
In fact, this is a waaaay overdue message from me to you.

You know how you can’t control yourself around Nutella?
Or cereal?
Or mac and cheese?
Or tortilla chips?
Or peanut butter?

It’s because, on some level, you feel deeply convinced that your body must look a certain way.

I mean, think about it. If you didn’t need your body to look a certain way…

If it was utterly unimportant to you exactly what you weighed, or exactly what size jeans you fit into…

If you felt totally and completely confident that regardless of what shape your body happened to be, you would be loved and cherished, admired and valued, that you would be successful in work and school, make great friendships and have fantastic romantic relationships….

Would it particularly matter what you ate?

I mean, of course it would still matter what you ate. You would still get hungry, and when that happened, you would feed yourself food that made you feel good (in all senses of the word). You might sometimes even (gasp!) eat when you weren’t hungry, because we are sensual beings who enjoy food.

But as long as you felt pretty good in your body, you probably wouldn’t worry about it too much.

And if you stopped feeling good in your body? If you ate nothing but Cheetos and donuts for dinner one day? Well, then the next day you’d probably eat lightly and move your body so that you…oh, I don’t know, FELT BETTER.

Of course, you may be objecting: it’s not that I want to be thin, Katie. I just want to be healthy!

To which I would respond:

Of course, health does matter. But we can be healthy at a far wider range of weights than most of us “want” to be. And though health and weight are related, you can significantly improve your health without losing any weight.

Yes, it is true that at some weights your risk of certain diseases may increase. But you are not de facto unhealthy because you are at a certain weight. For example, some research suggests that health is determined more by activity level than by weight, even for obese people.

Let me say it again: You can be within a relatively wide range of weights and still be healthy.

--

You know what I think? I think that “I’m afraid of gaining weight/I want to lose weight so I can be healthy” is smoke and mirrors, for many of us.

It’s a way of having a reasonable justification for our obsession with “not getting fat.”

Look, I’m not going to say that I don’t get why you do it.

In fact, I do it too.

I mean, everything we see or hear or read or click on implies that beauty and success and force of character and happiness means being thin. I’m not going to say that there isn’t discrimination against heavier people.

Everything we consume tells us that everything we could possibly want in life would be put in jeopardy if we were fat. And we believe it.

But the sad, horrible, terrible, ironic, thing about this is that in our attempt not to gain weight….we end up gaining weight.

We ignore our hunger signals and eat too little. We lose weight.

Then we eat way too much. And gain the weight back. And then some.

--

So let me be clear: I’m not trying to encourage you to be "overweight" or “fat” or unhealthy. Far from it.

What I want is for you to look closely at your deeper motives.

You might think that the problem is your eating. And it’s true — if you are reading this blog, you probably have some sort of eating “problem.” I spend a lot of time on this blog offering you solutions for how to “fix” your eating problem — by learning how to listen to your body’s signals and eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full and respect its cravings.

But you want to know the deep, dark, ugly truth?

As long as you are not okay with your body, you will probably have a food problem.

So what do we do about that? Well, that is a BIG question. Stay tuned. I'll be posting a lot about this in the coming weeks.

Or for more practical ideas right away, you could sign up for the Dessert Club.

 

In the meantime, let me know what you think in the comments. Do you struggle with being afraid of “getting fat”? Do you feel obsessed with being a certain weight? What would your eating look like if you could let go of those fears?

 

Do the Next Right Thing

Here is my loving, caring, gentle invitation for you this week:

Do the Next Right Thing.

You know that one thing you’ve been putting off? The one that seems to have nothing to do with anything?

Cleaning your bathtub.
Buying a new hair product.
Dealing with your bank account.
Telling a friend “no.” Or “yes.”
Donating those shoes that aren’t technically worn out but you never seem to wear and are a drain on your mental energy.

Do it. 
Even if it seems random. Even if it doesn’t actually fix one of the "big problems" in your life.

You might be frustrated with your romantic life but have this deep sense that you need to finally freaking replace that shower curtain or deal with your retirement account.

You might feel totally stuck and lost in your career but feel this deep urge to put a platinum blonde streak in your hair.

And here’s the kicker: it will help you if you just do those random things.

Replace that shower curtain.
Re-allocate your retirement account.
Get those blonde highlights.
Just do whatever it is that you need to do next.

I really, really, mean this.

Because guess what happens when you move forward on one front? You move forward in your life. You feel a sense of momentum, a sense of trust in your ability to care for yourself.

And when you have a sense of momentum and trust?

Then you move forward in other ways.
And in more ways after that.

And each, weird, seemingly random step gives you odd, unexpected insight on where to go next.

Here’s one way that this played out for me. A few years ago, I felt extremely lost in almost every area of my life—career, romantic relationships, my social life, and more. I had some inklings about what to do about it, but nothing was totally clear. I only knew one thing for sure: I really wanted to shave my head.

Shaving my head was totally random. It didn’t seem like it would solve the big questions: What am I doing with my life? How am I going to make money? How can I take care of myself while caring for other people? How can I connect with people?

Except it was the only thing that I was totally clear on.

So, you know what, I decided to do it. (More on that here).

Did shaving my head instantly solve every problem in my life? No. But it did un-block me. Once my head was shaved, I looked for other areas of my life that I felt like I needed to deal with. And sometimes they were easy (draw a picture, buy a book, try a new lipstick), and sometimes they were freaking hard (move to a new apartment then a new state, renegotiate close relationships, find a job and then quit that job and start a business). 

But there was this consistent, clear, iterative sense of “just do the next right thing,” driving all of it.

And you know what? Big, big, BIG changes happened for me.

If you are someone who thinks you need a big huge plan to “solve” your career, relationships, appearance, weight or whatever, I want you to hear it from me, lovingly:

You don’t need to "solve" anything. You just need to do the Next Right Thing.

--

My challenge for you this week is to close this window and take a moment to get quiet and think about what your next right thing is.

It might have to do with reaching out to a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while, sending a thank-you note, cleaning your kitchen, or researching grad school. Or it might be baking a pie.

Figure out what it is. And then, my dear friend, take a step in the direction of doing it.

Having trouble losing weight? You're probably doing this.

You know how I wrote last week about how you should be honest with yourself about your desires and priorities? 

It’s fine to want to lose weight, but you have to decide whether losing weight is more or less important to you than health, trusting yourself around food, honoring your own hunger and fullness, eating foods your like, or feeling sane.

I mentioned something briefly that I want to emphasize today:

Even if you think you’re telling the truth about your priorities, there’s a good chance you’re still lying to yourself.

I may not be Sherlock Holmes, but I am a pretty much a Victorian-era detective when it comes to telling if people are lying to themselves about food-and-body-related issues.

Here’s my secret clue: If your actions don’t match your supposed “prioritization,” you’re probably lying to yourself.

In other words: If you “say” that you really, really want to lose weight, but you are “falling off the wagon” of your diet three times a week, then being on a diet is probably not your true top priority.

Your deepest self might want to not be so freaking hungry all the time.
Or to eat foods you enjoy.
Or to stop having to spend most of your waking moments planning your eating.
Or just to rest and enjoy life, and not feel like you need to change and do exhausting things all the time. 

Only you can know can truly want. But your behavior is a darn good clue.

--

Of course, we are all complex people with many different, often-conflicting needs.

Maybe we do want to lose weight, so we try to “block out” the voices inside of us that are whining and complaining and begging to eat oreos.

But when we privilege one part of ourselves, and ignore the other parts of ourselves for months, years, or even decades, we become disjointed and stuck. One part of us gets its say all the freaking time, and the other parts of us start to get bitter and resentful and more and more determined to try to get our attention somehow. Any way it can.

Cue you eating 6-month-old sun chips standing in the kitchen where no one can see you.

--

Telling yourself the truth might mean softening into the fact that all of your desires need to have a say and a seat at the table.

When “I want to lose weight” talks to “I want to eat a quesadilla” and “I am freaking tired of being hungry all the time” and “I’m so busy and this brownie is the only good thing that happened to me this week”…only then can a consensus be reached.

Telling yourself the truth also might mean acknowledging that while you truly do want to lose weight,  all of your other needs (like your needs for ice cream and and a break from the obsessing) need to have their say for a while because it’s been a long time since they had the microphone for more than a couple of furtive moments.  

Your behavior – the fact that you have never been able to stick to a diet for more than 24 hours – might have been telling you this already. It’s time that your mind caught up, and stopped pretending that “losing weight” was your top priority, when it isn’t, truly.

Here’s one way to start: sit down sometime today with a journal and ask yourself, “what do I really, truly want?” Write downeverything, a big, long, messy often-conflicting list. And then read over the list slowly, noting how to feels as you look at each ideas. Do you feel tight and nervous? Or spacious and relaxed?  There is often a tightness we feel when we think about things that we think we “should” do, but don’t really, truly want.

How have you lied to yourself, now or over the years? This can apply not only to eating, but also to relationships, career, home life, and more.

--

If this type of thing is tough for you to do, you’re not alone. It's hard for all of use to wade through the layers and figure out what we really, truly want. If you’d like some help, you might want to join a Dessert Club.

On Health and Telling Yourself the Truth

"I just want to be healthier."

I hear this a lot, from Dessert Club members and people in the world. That desire to be healthier seems to motivate a lot of behaviors: running marathons, going to CrossFit classes, giving up sugar or soda or dairy or white carbohydrates.

But here’s what I often find, when I’m able to probe a bit deeper:

“I want to be healthier” is often a cover for “I want to be thinner.”

We run that marathon because hopefully we’ll get so “healthy” that we’ll lose a couple of pounds.
We want to give up sugar because hopefully we’ll get so “healthy” that our jeans will fit again. 

For the record, I think it’s fine to want to be thinner. Although I strongly object to the societal pressures that women receive to be thin, I’m not going to send the body positivity police to your door for wanting to lose some weight.

But let’s call a spade a spade. If you want to lose weight, let’s acknowledge that explicitly.

Why? Because if you’re not telling yourself the truth, you won’t be able to honestly and accurately prioritize your needs.

This “prioritization” thing matters. We all may have many different needs, and at certain points those needs may come into conflict with each other. But if you aren’t about about what you actually prioritize, you’re less likely to feel satisfied.

For example, let’s say that you want to lose weight, and you also want to be healthy. Great! But how do those two compare to each other in terms of priority? If you got much healthier by running a marathon but ended up gaining 10 pounds in the process, for example, how would you feel about it? Your answer to that question tells you a lot about your true motivations.

Or what about your desire for weight loss versus your desire to:

Trust yourself around food?
Honor your own hunger and fullness?
Eat foods you love?
Stop thinking about portions/calories/points all the time?
Go to restaurants and eat on vacation without worrying?
Feel like your weight is stable without you having to “do” anything?
Feel good in your body?

It’s worth acknowledging that it’s possible to achieve different goals simultaneously. You might feel better in your body as you get healthier, for example. But at some point, there will be trade-offs for everything. If you focus on losing weight, for example, you might need to stop eating foods you love, which might make you feel deprived and more likely to eat compulsively in the long run.

So when push comes to shove, what do you choose?

And if you’re saying that “health” is your top priority, is that really true? Or is “health” a code word for “thinness” (especially since you can be healthier without losing any weight).

Again, there’s no right answer, necessarily. But there is a truthful answer, for you.

Something lovely for your weekend

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

 (That’s one of my favorite poems, called “God Says Yes To Me,” by Kaylin Haught. Every time I read it I get a little sparkle of yes, it’s okay to be exactly as I am. I hope it brings you the same for the week ahead)

The four skills you need to actually change your eating habits

Most of the women I speak with are tired. They are so, so tired.

Tired of making grand plans about food.
Tired of ruining those grand plans by eating four brownies.
Tired of beating themselves up for eating four brownies.
Tired of starting the cycle again with more grand plans…

But how do you stop the cycle? Today I wanted to share with you four qualities that I've noticed in most people who make lasting change around how they approach food:

 

1. You are willing to examine your entire life.

Food problems are rarely just about food. Once you start examining your eating from a truly holistic perspective…things are going to come up. Things like, “oh, I guess I’m eating at work because my job stresses me out and a cookie is the only way I get through the day,” or “oh, weird, I guess this person who I thought I liked makes me feel insecure and so I downed my spaghetti carbonara like it was the last supper.”

I’ll be honest, I’ve seen people drop out of the Dessert Club because they realized that this food work was actually about their entire life, and it just wasn’t the right time for them to deal with that.

Are you ready for these realizations to come up?

 

2. Your weight isn’t your top priority.

As long as maintaining a specific number on the scale is your top priority, it’s going to be hard for you to stop obsessing about what you eat.

Why? Because worrying about your weight is likely what messed up your eating in the first place.

Just because weight isn’t a top priority, that doesn’t mean that you’ll gain 5 pounds next week. It just means that you are choosing sanity, joy and comfort around food, joy and comfort in life, and maybe even your health, above being a specific weight.

Even if, truthfully, weight is still a top priority, but you wish it wasn’t, that’s a good enough start. We can work with that.

 

3. You are willing to spend some time and energy. 

There are no two ways about it: change takes time and attention. If you can’t spend, say, 20 minutes a day or a couple of hours a week--to read some motivating books, keep a food journal, talk to a coach or any other practice--it is going to be really tough to deeply shift how you approach food.

In my work with people individually and in groups, I see it time and again: no matter how lost or “messed up” or completely hopeless people start out feeling about this “food stuff,” it doesn’t matter. If you put in the time, you will change.

Of course, everyone has her own process of change and takes a different amount of time. But putting in at least some time on a regular basis to truly examine yourself and try out some new practices is non-negotiable.

 

4. You are willing to try something different.

Change requires admitting to yourself that what you have been doing isn’t working. And then looking for something or someone that can help.

Personally, I spent a long time thinking that I could make this whole pseudo-dieting, worrying-about-my-eating-all-the-time thing work. I mean, I know that I ate too much dessert at dinner and felt like I was in a haze when I ate that muffin and cookie and egg sandwich at breakfast, but I can get a handle on this food thing. I’ll just eat only fruit for breakfast tomorrow.

It took me a long time to finally admit to myself: No, this isn’t working. No, I don’t want to do this any more. And then it was a circuitous journey to finding what actually would work.

A big part of why I write this blog and do this work is because I don't want other people to feel as completely lost as I did. 

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No matter what your answer to the questions above, it’s okay. Everyone has different priorities and is at a different phase in their journey. Above all, you do you.

-

If you do feel a deep “yes” to all four items above, you are in a place where change can actually happen. 

No matter how frustrated, how annoyed, how completely at your wits end you feel about your eating, l know that you can change. I know that because I’ve seen it. And if you're ready to actually put your foot on the gas, the Dessert Club is one of the most powerful vehicles I’ve seen to jumpstart phenomenal change (click here to learn more or join a group!).

I’ve seen women who tole me at the beginning of the group that if they let themselves, they would have a cheeseburger and fries every day and gain a ton of weight. By the end, they'd say, Oh yeah, I had a salad instead of a burger at lunch because the burger just didn’t sound good.

I’ve seen women who felt completely scared and trapped in the world of calorie counting stop all that, and remember what it is to eat cake at a birthday party just because they felt like it.

I’ve seen women tell me, over and over and over, I never thought I could feel like this. I never thought I could really, truly eat what I like and let my guard down around food.

For more of their stories, click here.

My Exercise Role Model (it's not what you think).

I learned about exercise by watching my mom.

For my entire life, my mom has taken daily, 3-mile walks. She’s not fancy or precious about it – she just laces up her sneakers, wears old shorts and a t-shirt, and walks the same route in our neighborhood every single day.

It takes her about 45-minutes. But if she doesn’t have much time, she’ll squeeze in a 20- or 30-minute walk.

That’s it.

The thing that I have come to appreciate, particularly as I’ve gotten older, is how un-fussy and easy she is about it.

She’s not looking for a form of exercise that is painful, or that she dreads.

On the contrary, she walks because it makes her feel good – it clears her mind and makes her feel calm and happy.

She likes being outside, and she doesn’t have time to drive to an exercise class.

Of course, she also does it because it is good exercise. Walking nearly every day for most of her life hashelped her to stay fit and healthy and looking good, in my humble daughterly opinion (hi mom!). But walking isn’t something that is intensely painful or only feels good “after.” It feels good from the first step.

Part of the reason I wanted to share my mom’s story is because I’ve come to realize how deeply powerful behavioral modeling can be. It’s one thing to “get” something intellectually, and it’s a very different thing to see it in action, over and over.

I saw my mom lace up her sneakers, walk out the front door, and return revived and refreshed, every day of my life.

It wasn’t a big deal.
It wasn’t hard or painful.
It didn’t take much time.
It didn’t cost anything.
It didn’t require a ton of willpower.

She liked it, it was easy and felt good. So she did it every day.

I think that too often the “role models” for fitness that we see and think we should aspire to are people who are running marathons, or who have perfectly toned arms or six-pack abs. We think that we're supposed to want and work toward that level of fitness.

And we often think that it has to be time-consuming, expensive, complicated, or painful.

My mom showed me a different way.

Of course, I’ve tried intense workouts over the years. And I do enjoy a Pilates or yoga class once or twice a week, even though I have to drive to them, and they cost money.

But I always come back to my daily walk.

So I wanted to share it with you.

Not because you have to do it. Far from it! But simply because I don’t see this approach to exercise –moderate, super-easy, not-painful, cheap, and pleasant – advertised as much as I think it should be.

 

So here is Katie’s exercise regimen: 

1. Put on sneakers.
2. Open front door.
3. Walk outside for 45 minutes.

(optional) Wear a hat if it's cold.

 

With that in mind, my challenge for you this week is to take a walk. I mean it. Put on those sneakers, toss on a coat, get outside, and move that body.

And afterwards, I’d love to hear from you in the comments: Do you feel like only intense exercise “counts” ? What would you do differently if it was okay to exercise without it needing to be hard all the time?

Imagination Time

Imagine….

If you lived in a world where women’s bodies were all kinds of shapes… and there was nothing wrong, less love-able, less worthy about any of those bodies.

A woman could be thin and waif-ish, or solid and athletic, or curvy and luscious, or round and soft….and she would have exactly the same opportunities and options and respect.

And in that world of incredible diverse body shapes, there were women who were thinner than you and women who were fatter than you….and no one really cared.

Tell me: how would you feel about your body in that world?

I bet you’d still think about your body, on some level. You’d probably realize that your body wasn’t exactly the same as other people’s.  I'm tall, for example, and I notice that sometimes when I'm around people who are shorter than me.

You also might think about your body because you’d want to feel good or look good. You might want to dress your body in nice clothes, and make sure that it felt good inside. You’d feed it and move it and let it rest, as needed.

But you know what I bet you wouldn’t do? Binge and diet and obsess.

--

Well, friend, I’ve got news for you: we already live in that world.

There are, already, incredible diverse body shapes in the world.

You are not, I am certain, the fattest or the thinnest.

You are not the roundest or the flattest or the curviest or the most apple/pear/pineapple-shaped.

And I am certain that there are women who are loved by their sexy, smart, successful, insightful soulmates, who maintain hilarious, close, fabulous, deep friendships, and succeed at their creative, challenging, high-powered, or super-chill work in the world....who are fatter than you.

At the same time, there are women who also have those soulmates, those friendships, and that amazing work….who are thinner than you.

There are women who have all kinds of satisfying lives who are all kinds of shapes. And, of course, there are women who have all kinds of terrible lives who are all kinds of shapes.

The problem is that you have somehow gotten the message that your body needs to look a very specific way, that you need to weigh a weight that is in a very narrow band…in order to get what you want out of life.

So what happens?

You try to get your body to look a certain way.
You mess with the natural rhythm of the signals your body is sending you about hunger and fullness and cravings.
You lose weight, and then gain it back. And then some.
You completely lose track of the relationship between hunger and nourishment.

--

So what can we do about this?

It’s a complex issue, but one way of untangling it is to begin to ask the following questions, with fearless honesty:

  • Is it true that you need to be thin or slender or average or any shape at all in order to get what you want out of life?
  • Is it true that if you “get fat” or “gain weight” you won’t get what you want out of life?
  • Or, much more importantly, what is it about gaining weight that scares you so freaking much that you spend so much mental energy, emotional anguish, and precious, precious moments and days and years in this world doing everything you can to (often ineffectually) prevent it?

Your challenge this week is to think about it. Sit down and write your answers, or go lie under a tree and really ponder it.

And if you're looking for a supportive environment in which to explore these questions, join a Dessert Club! :)

DO NOT make this intuitive eating mistake.

You know how I write to you with all of these suggestions? About eating when you’re hungry, stopping when you’re full,  and eating without distractions?

Please don’t turn them into a diet.

I mean it.

Here’s how you know if you’ve turned “try to eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full” into the “Hunger and Fullness” diet (as Elizabeth Foxen Duke so aptly calls it):

Ask yourself if you'll freak out if you break "the rules."

It'll go like this:

If you are “on” the Hunger and Fullness diet and you eat when you aren’t hungry, you’ve committed a grave mistake.
You messed up.
Why do you always mess up, anyway?
You’re probably going to keep messing up so you should probably just have a cookie.
Why did you eat that cookie? You’re going to get fat. Ugh.

If, on the other hand, trying to eat when you’re hungry is just something-you-mostly-do, because, well, it-mostly-makes-you-feel-good, then if you eat when you’re not hungry….then you just ate when you weren’t hungry.

And if you’re not on some sort of “diet,” then eating when you aren’t hungry isn’t a crime.

You just ate when you weren’t hungry.

Everyone does it.

And either it made you feel good—in which case: great job!—or it didn’t make you feel good. And if it didn’t make you feel good, you’ll try not to do it next time because you enjoy doing things that make you feel good.

Because you’re not living a diet. You’re just living life. And it’s okay to do things you often-but-don’t always do.

Because, uh, we’re not machines. You get me?

I'd love to hear from you in the comments: Do you turn every eating style into a "diet"? If not, what do you do to help remind yourself that it's okay to live without hard-and-fast rules?

If You Aren't Willing To Do These 4 Things, It Will be Difficult to Eat Intuitively

Most of the women I speak with are tired. They are so, so tired.

Tired of making grand plans about food.
Tired of ruining those grand plans by eating four brownies.
Tired of beating themselves up for eating four brownies.
Tired of starting the cycle again with more grand plans…

But how do you stop the cycle? Today I wanted to share with you four qualities that I've noticed in most people who make lasting change around how they approach food:

 

1. You are willing to examine your entire life.

Food problems are rarely just about food. Once you start examining your eating from a truly holistic perspective…things are going to come up. Things like, “oh, I guess I’m eating at work because my job stresses me out and a cookie is the only way I get through the day,” or “oh, weird, I guess this person who I thought I liked makes me feel insecure and so I downed my spaghetti carbonara like it was the last supper.”

I’ll be honest, I’ve had people drop out of the Dessert Club because they realized that this food work was actually about their entire life, and it just wasn’t the right time for them to deal with that.

Are you ready for these realizations to come up?

 

2. Your weight isn’t your top priority.

As long as maintaining a specific number on the scale is your top priority, it’s going to be hard for you to stop obsessing about what you eat.

Why? Because worrying about your weight is likely what messed up your eating in the first place.

Just because weight isn’t a top priority, that doesn’t mean that you’ll gain 5 pounds next week. It just means that you are choosing sanity, joy and comfort around food, joy and comfort in life, and maybe even your health, above being a specific weight.

Even if, truthfully, weight is still a top priority, but you wish it wasn’t, that’s a good enough start. We can work with that.

 

3. You are willing to spend some time and energy. 

There are no two ways about it: change takes time and attention. If you can’t spend, say, 20 minutes a day or a couple of hours a week--to read some motivating books, keep a food journal, talk to a coach or any other practice--it is going to be really tough to deeply shift how you approach food.

In my work with people individually and in groups, I see it time and again: no matter how lost or “messed up” or completely hopeless people start out feeling about this “food stuff,” it doesn’t matter. If you put in the time, you will change.

Of course, everyone has her own process of change and takes a different amount of time. But putting in at least some time on a regular basis to truly examine yourself and try out some new practices is non-negotiable.

 

4. You are willing to try something different.

Change requires admitting to yourself that what you have been doing isn’t working. And then looking for something or someone that can help.

Personally, I spent a long time thinking that I could make this whole pseudo-dieting, worrying-about-my-eating-all-the-time thing work. I mean, I know that I ate too much dessert at dinner and felt like I was in a haze when I ate that muffin and cookie and egg sandwich at breakfast, but I can get a handle on this food thing. I’ll just eat only fruit for breakfast tomorrow.

It took me a long time to finally admit to myself: No, this isn’t working. No, I don’t want to do this any more. And then it was a circuitous journey to finding what actually would work.

A big part of why I write this blog and do this work is because I don't want other people to feel as completely lost as I did. 

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No matter what your answer to the questions above, it’s okay. Everyone has different priorities and is at a different phase in their journey. Above all, you do you.

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If you do feel a deep “yes” to all four items above, I’d love you to join me in the Dessert Club.

No matter how frustrated, how annoyed, how completely at your wits end you feel about your eating, l know that you can change. I know that because I’ve seen it. The Dessert Club is one of the most powerful vehicles I’ve seen to jumpstart phenomenal change.

I’ve seen women who tole me at the beginning of the group that if they let themselves, they would have a cheeseburger and fries every day and gain a ton of weight. By the end, they'd say, Oh yeah, I had a salad instead of a burger at lunch because the burger just didn’t sound good.

I’ve seen women who felt completely scared and trapped in the world of calorie counting stop all that, and remember what it is to eat cake at a birthday party just because they felt like it.

I’ve seen women tell me, over and over and over, I never thought I could feel like this. I never thought I could really, truly eat what I like and let my guard down around food.

For more of their stories, click here.

 

I Want This For You.

This week, I was going through some feedback from a recent session of The Dessert Club, and I was just so moved by the stories of these women.

I wanted to share some of them with you, to show you what is possible. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Even if you are feeling scared and hopeless and frustrated beyond belief about this food and body and weight stuff, don’t give up.

These women have made big changes that don’t require obsessing about food, and so can you.

“Before joining the Dessert Club, I was scared of a pot of Nutella, frustrated, and generally angry this thing had control of me. I was unable to stop eating when the ‘binge’ got hold of me and generally depressed that all the weight I had lost in the past year was almost regained.

Since being in the Dessert Club, I’ve realized that this issue isn't about food. It's about me: my emotions, how I feel, my reactions to others. I take things that are totally unrelated to food and punish my body with food, dumbing down emotions, reacting with my mouth and not my inner self. I see how little attention I pay to food, the distractions of life are around my hips instead of dealing with them.

For people considering joining, I’d say that it’s the first brave step towards dealing with the root of your eating problems.  The support from Katie and the rest of the crew is a wonderful, safe way to explore yourself and your food issues. You may laugh or cry or do both at the same time.  And when things are bad, you only have 6 days until there is someone there to support you.”

-- Fiona, Kent, UK

 

“[Before this work], I dreaded my binges, and felt absolutely demolished every time I succumbed to one.  Food equaled guilt to me 100% of the time. I felt awful, out of control, and like food was the enemy.

“I had no idea what to expect with the Dessert Club, but I was afraid the group sessions would be boring, or not pertinent, or depressing. Ironically enough, the group sessions became my favorite part!  I learned SO much from hearing the other stories.  It made me feel less alone, less crazy, and supported by the other members of the group.

I now know how terrible my relationship with food was, and for how long it's been happening.  I realize how much damage I did to myself, and how far I have to go...but for the first time ever, I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The group really exceeded my expectations, and opened a whole new chapter for me.  For once I feel like being in control of my food intake is possible.  I feel like eating is pleasurable again.  I feel like I have a shot at being "normal" again...whatever that is.  :-)

[For people considering the Dessert Club], I would tell them that if they are doing it for themselves, to jump right in and go.”

-- Lisa, Texas

 

“Before joining the Dessert Club, I felt like they would never be a time when I didn't have an issue with food. I was in a hopeless cycle of restriction and bingeing. And I felt anxious about any attempts to solve the issue as I was nervous I would put on weight.

“The love and kindness I received from the other women involved in the group [was the best part]. Although we were all at different stages and our problems unique, we could all offer each other support and the feeling that we were not alone

“[To other women who are struggling], I'd say relax. It's okay to get help. Stop carrying the burden alone. You can work through things at your own pace, you don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with and you may just change your life for the better. For me the Dessert Club will be the best decision I've made to help me grow as a person and enjoy life to the fullest. I would recommend it to anyone who feels they struggle with their eating, however great or small they feel their issues are.”

-- Anita, North Yorkshire, UK

 

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Honestly, my heart aches when I read these -- I can sense how frustrated and stuck they all felt. And it’s so clear to me that being a part of a supportive, caring environment made that a much, much easier process for them to change.

So I’d say to you: if you are feeling frustrated, you are probably also feeling alone. So, my dear, lovely person...you’ve got to get some support.

Whether that support is your best friend, or your boyfriend, or a group, or a coach, or a book: get some support.

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All these women went through The Dessert Club. If you’d like to see what they’re talking about, I'd love to have you join a group.

Or view other stories of women who’ve made amazing transformations around food.

How to start liking your body.

Remember how we talked about how if you don't like your body, it may mess up your eating?

Obviously, the follow-up question is: how do I start liking my body?

And that’s a hard, multi-faceted task. Today I want to talk about one important way: purposefully looking at a variety of women’s bodies.

Why This Is Important

This may be obvious but it’s worth saying: if you are judging others because of their weight or body shape, you are probably judging yourself.  And all of those negative judgments cause pain, for everyone involved.

The only way that I know to break the cycle of judgment is to notice. Notice, notice notice.  And that’s hard, because often when we truly notice, uncomfortable thoughts come up. Thoughts that we feel like a completely terrible person for thinking, like “she doesn’t look good,” or, “I hope I never, ever look like her.”

But it’s worthwhile to ask yourself: Is that true? Is it true that only thin women can be beautiful? Are all thin women beautiful?

And, perhaps most importantly: What does beauty mean, anyway?

I’m not trying to tell you what beauty is, and I can’t give you a pill or a quick 2-step tip to reverse what are deeply, deeply ingrained beliefs about what is beautiful and what is not in our world. You probably don’t want to be having unpleasant or even mean thoughts about other women’s bodies, and telling yourself to just knock it off doesn’t generally work (at least for me).

In my experience, the only way to even begin to work on this process is to gently, very gently, begin to pull at the strings of this knot, by noticing what is already happening, in a delicate, thoughtful way.

And maybe, just maybe, looking at women in a variety of shapes will remind you that your weight has much less to do with your beauty that you might have thought. I know that it did for me.

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Your “Homework” 

1. Once a day for the next week, spend at least 5 minutes purposefully looking—really looking—at a range of women’s bodies.

If you don't know where to find pictures of beautiful ladies who are not “typical” models, here are some great sites with real women in a range of shapes, from slender to more full-figured:

2. As you do this, notice what thoughts and feelings come up about their bodies. Write down as many of them as you can, without judgment. It’s okay if your thoughts sound like a Mean Girl; the point is to notice them.

3. For now, your work is just that: look at pictures, have the thoughts come up, write them down, look at what you wrote down. That’s it.

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But Katie, spending 5 minutes didn’t fix all of my body image problems!

Have some patience there, buckaroo.

This probably something you will have to keep doing. You’ve spent hours each week for your ENTIRE LIFE consuming images of mostly very slender people. You are probably going to need to make a conscious effort to look at other bodies, to remind yourself that it’s not just fat-you and Heidi Klum out there.

But I deeply believe that it is worth it. Because as long as you don’t think that you are beautiful in your body, and you don’t think that other women are beautiful in their bodies, you will struggle with your weight.

So let’s look at some fantastic women together. And let’s keep doing it.

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If this post resonated with you, I’d love to hear in the comments: What was it like for you to consciously look at women in a variety of shapes? What thoughts or feelings came up for you? 

How self care can reduce emotional eating

How often do you find yourself eating way too much food when you are cuddled in your favorite armchair, reading an engrossing book, with a cup of tea on the table next to you?

Or when you are at a spa, wearing a fluffy white robe and lazily staring at the ceiling after a great massage, with a glass of lemon water in your hand?

Or when you are catching up with one of your best friends, who you haven't spoken with in months?

Yeah, probably food isn’t on your mind.

And when it is, you’re probably actually hungry, and after you eat something, you move on with your life.

-

My invitation to you is to stop worrying so much about your eating and start worrying about taking good care of yourself.

If you take excellent, radiant, lovely care of yourself….the food stuff will fall into place so much more easily.

Really.
Really, really.

But so many of us are out of practice of doing this. I’d love to know: What do you do to take really, really good care of yourself? Leave a comment below so we can all trade ideas. 

Science Sunday: Some things that are more important than the number on the scale

Most of the people I speak with want to lose weight. Though some of this worry is connected to the belief that magically amazing things will occur when they are thinner, many people also have very real concerns about their health.

And, yet, some interesting research suggests that as long as we engage in relatively basic healthy habits, our weight does not matter to our health as much as we think it does.

Head's up: this is one of my longer posts. I think you’ll find that it’s worth it, though, when you repeat this information to everyone you know.

Let’s get to it :)

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When we’re worried about our health, we’re often concerned about…you know, making sure that we don’t die.

Modern medicine is pretty clear about the health benefits of exercising regularly, eating a diet high in fruits and vegetables, not smoking, and consuming alcohol in moderation. It is well documented that engaging in all four of these healthy habits can significantly reduce your risk of death.  

But Matheson et al. wanted to look into something that hadn’t been researched as much: if you are overweight or obese, does being healthy do as much good as it does for thinner people? Or are you doomed to never be as healthy as “normal” weight people?

The results of their research are going to blow your socks off.

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Matheson and his colleagues looked at a sample of 11,761 people over 21, and figured out how many of the following four “healthy habits” they regularly exhibited:

  • “Healthy eating”: eating at least five servings of fruits and vegetables per day

  • “Regular exercise”: exercising at least 12 times a month, or approximately three times a week

  • “Moderate alcohol consumption”: drinking no more than one drink a day for women, or two drinks a day for men

  • “No smoking”: participants with this healthy habit defined themselves as non-smokers

They divided people into groups based on their BMI (“normal, ” “overweight, ” and “obese”) and based on how many of the four healthy habits they regularly did. They compared how much more likely members of each group were to die over a period of more than 20 years than people with a healthy BMI who engaged in all four healthy habits. They call this the “hazard ratio.”

If the hazard ratio is more than 1, you are more likely to die than a person who is at a normal weight who does all four healthy habits.

Let’s look at a chart of what they found, and then I’ll break it down for you:

Risk of Mortality, by BMI and Number of Healthy Habits

Here are four things that pop out at me:

1. Among people with ZERO healthy habits, it’s better to be in the normal BMI range.

If you are going to smoke, drink a lot, not exercise, and eat very few fruits and vegetables, yeah, it’s probably a good idea to be in a “normal” BMI range. People with an “overweight” BMI in this category are at a significantly higher rate of mortality.

That’s that YUUUUUGE light blue spike on the far left of the chart.

 

2. But once people take on at least ONE healthy habit, the difference between people with a “normal” and an “overweight” or “obese” BMI radically decreases.

In fact, for people with one, two, or three healthy habits, the people with an “overweight” BMI actually have a slightly lower hazard ratio (meaning they are less likely to die) than the “normal” weight people with the same number of healthy habits.

How wild is that?

 

3. Taking on an extra healthy habit has a bigger impact on your risk of death than lowering your BMI.

Again, this kind of blows my mind, but it is true nearly across the board. For example, if you are an “obese” person with only one healthy habit who lost enough weight to have a only an “overweight” BMI, your “hazard ratio” would drop by 25% (from 3.3 to 2.5). Not bad.

But if you instead just took on one additional healthy habit, your hazard ratio would drop by 45%! That’s nearly twice as much!

 

4. Once people have all four healthy habits in place, their death rates are virtually indistinguishable.

This point is so important that I made you another, simplified chart to make this 100% clear:

This is freakin’ crazy.

The research suggests that when it comes to lowering risk of death, as long as you engage in all four healthy habits, it doesn’t matter what you weigh.

BOOM.

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What are the counterarguments?

The obvious counterargument is, “Well, death isn’t the only thing that matters when it comes to health. Quality of life matters, too.”

And that is certainly true. But it’s important to note that mortality rates are relatively good predictors for quality of life.

For example, one thing that ruins quality of life is heart disease. Matheson et al. point out that taking on a single healthy habit reduces heart disease between 29% to 85%, while statins (cholesterol-lowering drugs) only 12%.

12% versus 29-85%. In other words: taking on a single healthy habit is at least twice as effective, and potentially seven times as effective as taking cholesterol-lowering drugs. Which one would you choose?

Moreover, if people are getting nutrients from healthy foods, exercising regularly, not smoking, and drinking only moderate amounts of alcohol, they are likely to be feeling relatively good. I mean, don’t you feel better when you do those things?

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One More Fun Thing

One of my favorite things about this study was how relatively “chill” the requirements for healthy habits were.

All a person needed to do in order to be a “healthy eater” was to eat five servings of fruits and vegetables per day. That’s it. The study didn’t measure how much sugar, how many carbs, or how many slices of cheesecake they ate. As long as you eat your fruits and veggies, the rest of your diet is basically up to you.

All a person needed to do to be a “frequent exerciser” was to exercise 12 times a month, or about 3 times a week. But the researchers didn’t measure how long that exercise lasted, or how intense it was. Meaning: that leisurely 20-minute walk around the block you take a couple of times a week? Totally counts.

I wrote about it more here, but I believe that one of the tragedies with modern health and fitness is that because people are convinced that they have to go to CrossFit six times a week or give up sugar completely, they forget that they can be healthy in a relatively easy, do-able, everyday way.

It doesn’t require anguish. Just eat some fruit and go take an easy walk.

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What’s the take-away?

Health matters.

If you want to improve your health, why not focus on these relatively simple healthy habits instead of killing yourself going on diets that don’t work for  you?

No matter what your weight is.

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If you like this post, I’d love to hear: Which healthy habits do you do already? Which would you like to take on?

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p.s. As a final note, I first heard about this study through Sandra Aanoodt’s Ted Talk, which definitely deserves a watch.

p.p.s. Obviously, there are significant objections even to the usefulness of BMI as a metric that are worth acknowledging, but I have set them aside for purposes of analyzing this study. 

Essential summer advice

There is something very, very important that I would like to tell you this week: 

It’s summer. Please go eat something delicious.

Seriously.

If you have been in diet purgatory for so long that the only delicious foods you’ve eaten have been in the form of a frantic, stuffing-slightly-stale-barbeque-chips-from-the-cabinet-into-your-mouth-so-quickly-that-even-you-aren’t-sure-that-it’s-happened experience, then you might be slightly bewildered about what to eat to truly enjoy summer.  

In that case, I have done the very challenging task of compiling a list for you:

 Katie’s Recommended Summer Treats
(Please consume at least 3x/week from June-August)

 An ice cream cone
Popsicles (when was the last time you had one of those?)
Watermelon
Snow cones
Fresh cherries
A chocolate chip ice cream cone
Strawberries
More watermelon
Grilled burgers
Grilled chicken
Grilled corn
Grilled bell peppers
GRILLED ANYTHING
A rainbow sherbet ice cream cone
Peaches
Peaches
Peaches
Funnel cake (preferably at some ridiculous state fair or roller coaster park)
Did I mention an ice cream cone? 

I am sure I have missed some essential summer foods from this list. Please let me know what you’d add in the comments below. This is a public service, people :)

 -- 

 

p.s. I just had a rainbow sherbet ice cream cone last week, and I can’t recommend it highly enough. The experience of actually going to the local ice cream store and getting a scoop in a cone—I went alone! On a Thursday!—felt indulgent and fabulous and like I was a 7-year-old with a credit card.

What you should do with your scale

Here’s my suggestion: get rid of your scale.

I mean it.

Really.

I say this as someone who was convinced, for a long time, that a scale was necessary.

During my college years, I had not one, but two scales. A girl needs a scale in her dorm and also her childhood bathroom, right? When I spent a summer working in France, I stuck a glass scale (glass!) in my luggage and brought it there, too.

I weighed myself every morning, but also, as my “issues” with food got crazier, sometimes in the afternoon and the evening and also just before I went to bed. Weighing yourself right before bed is essential because then you can make a prediction about what your weight might be in the morning. Obviously.

A resolutely analytical person, I was convinced that monitoring my weight would ensure that I made the “right” kind of decisions, the kind that makes weight go down.

Of course, this didn’t really happen.

What did happen was that I became obsessed with thinking about what the “right” decisions should be, and I beat myself up when I didn’t make them.

What did happen is that I would eat in secret, or eat in public in a kind of trance—without really noticing or enjoying or feeling full from the food that I was putting in my mouth.

What did happen is that tiny fluctuations in my weight that were probably due to water had the power to make me feel on top of the world, or like a complete failure.

And no matter whether the news was good or bad, I always felt like eating after being on the scale.

So my weight sometimes went down, but mostly it went up. I felt like such a freaking idiot.

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Eventually, as I learned to listen to my body, I threw away my scale. In fact, I actually yelled “F*** YOU” as I threw it into a dumpster, and my mom heard it (which wasn’t my intention) and got kind of worried about me.

Despite that awkward situation, it was one of the best things I ever did.

Why? Because throwing away my scale let me make decisions about food based on how my body felt, without any fear of what the scale would say the next day.

It let me substitute the external scale on my bathroom floor for the internal scale of my own experience.

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I know, I know, if you are a hardcore scale-junkie, you might be worried: if I get rid of my scale, what’s to stop me from gaining 40 pounds?

My answer? Your own experience in your body. That’s the only thing that can stop you.

If you are aware of how your body feels, if you tune into it, you can tell whether you need more cookies or fewer.

And seriously, if you start to gain weight, you’ll feel it. You’ll feel rounder around the edges and like there’s a bit more of a layer of padding all around.

I feel like that sometimes—pudgier, rounder, softer. Even though my weight has been relatively stable or gone down in the past six or so years since I started doing this, there are definitely times when I notice that my pants are fitting a bit tighter and there is more cushion in my hips.

And yes, even now, I sometimes start to freak out a bit about that. I sometimes start to think that I should weigh myself again so I can “make sure” to lose the weight.

But after a few extremely unhappy experiments with re-introducing the scale, I kept coming back to my truth:

Scales don’t help me take care of myself better.
Taking care of myself better helps me take care of myself better.  

So if you aren’t weighing yourself and you are feeling pudgier? Do what you need to do to take care of yourself so you feel awesome.

Which for me means walking every day, going to yoga, and making sure I have foods I love in my house—which, yes, includes homemade brownies with chocolate chips in them.

It also means doing my hair so I feel pretty and wearing clothes that are soft and I feel elegant in.

It also means setting healthy boundaries with others and my work, and making sure I have plenty of time to sleep and read books and watch Netflix and do random Internet surfing.

And after a while of that, I usually feel awesome. And my pants start to fit more normally.

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So my challenge to you this week is to throw away your scale. (Bold, eh?)

Or if you can’t do that, tell me in the comments why you need to keep it. I’ll respond personally, and we can talk about it.

Because I hope you know, I really, really care about you.  

Some real talk.

I tell you this with love: if you are asleep at the wheel, you have got to freakin’ stop. 

Stop.

If you get to the end of a meal, or a day, or a week, or a year, and think wow, I guess I must have eaten a ton but I didn’t even notice, then seriously, you need to do something.

You’ve got to find a way to wake up and listen to yourself.

And no, I don’t mean, “Wake up! You’ve got to eat ‘reasonable’ portion sizes,” or, “Wake up! you’ve got to go back to Weight Watchers.”

You’ve probably already done that anyway.
Maybe even multiple times.

I mean that you’ve got to find a way not to go blank.

You have to find a way to be awake in your life, to know when you are furtively eating a candy bar in your kitchen or at your desk or in your car. Sticking the food in so quickly, or with a mind so blank, that you don't even realize that it happens. 

You have to find a way to open the lines of communication between you and yourself.

On a daily, hourly, moment-to-moment basis.

This is hard.
Man-oh-man, it is hard.

It is so hard, so terrible, so tough that many of us would rather micro-manage our portion sizes, or go back to Weight Watchers or Atkins or fill-in-the-blank, rather than do it. And you can do that. 

But if you don’t want to do the “diet” thing, then you cannot be asleep at the wheel.
You have to find a way of listening to yourself.

How?

Journaling is a two good ways to start. Or you can get help. I know that I needed help—I really couldn’t do it alone at first—and coaches were incredibly useful. If you’d like some help from me, I'd love to have you join a group. Here's what some people said about their past experiences.

But no matter how you do it, you have to do it.

You have to.

Seriously, the only requirement of eating without dieting is that you have to be able to listen to yourself.

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How is this going for you? Scary, hard, impossible? Let me know in the comments, and we can brainstorm ways to help you with this.