Eating and transitions (Or: why we tend to eat the moment we get home)

Do you find yourself grabbing a few crackers from the break room when you’re running from meeting to meeting?

Or scarfing down your daughter’s crusty leftovers from lunch as you run out the door to take her to ballet class?

Or grabbing a cookie, almost in a trance, when you first walk in the door, after a long day at work or school?

It took me a long time to understand what all these moments had in common, and how to act on my own behalf when they happened. I put together a video to share share what I’ve learned, and what (actionably) you can do:

This video was originally shared in May 2015, and edited for June 2020. While I’m on maternity leave, I’m sharing some of the best posts from my archives — I hope you enjoy :)

Hello from maternity leave!

I wanted to share that I’m officially on maternity leave for the next several months. During this time, I’ll still be posting regularly here, but it will be some of my favorite essays from the last couple of years — the ones that readers have told me resonated with them the most. If you’d like to get my essays via weekly emails, feel free to sign up here.

Once I catch my breath, I'm hoping to share at least a bit on Instagram, so you can join me there, if you'd like — I’d certainly love to see you.

Next week, we’ll be back to essays. But for now, please know that I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. And please root for me as I encounter what may be the greatest challenge of my life — two infants!

We’ve got this :)

Katie

p.s. If you’re craving an encouraging essay this weekend, may I recommend this blast from the past? Particularly if your brain is wanting some “evidence” that it’s okay to loosen the rules a little.

p.p.s. The boys aren’t here quite yet! But fingers crossed they’ll be here soon :)

On Real Food

One thing that I’ve noticed, in my conversations with coaching clients and Dessert Club folks, is a tendency to treat indulgent food like…like it’s not actually Real Food.

When we eat food that’s Real Food, we eat it because we’re hungry, and we’d like some energy or sustenance from that food. When we eat food that isn’t Real Food, we don’t have those requirements.

(And, for the record, I know that the phrase “Real Food” is often a euphemism for “healthy food” — somehow celery is more “real” than more processed food, for example. That’s not the sense in which I’m talking about it here; I’m just trying to make a contrast between food that we expect to give nourishment — e.g., Real Food — versus food that we treat as caloric entertainment.)

Our problematic relationship with non-Real Foods manifests in two, opposing ways: 

1. We eat it even though we’re not hungry
   Even at the end of a large, satisfying meal, many of us can still “find room” for a full dessert. Would we have “found room” for the same quantity of turkey sandwich, or some meatloaf and potatoes, at that point?

2. We don’t eat it when we are hungry
   Most of us have some special, indulgent food that we absolutely love…and that we’d absolutely never conceive of eating the same way we’d eat Real Food. But if you love Oreo cheesecake, why not have it for breakfast? Or lunch? Or dinner?

I’m not claiming that Oreo cheesecake is as nutrient dense as, say, turkey sandwiches or kale salads. But I am claiming that Oreo cheesecake is food, and that it will give you energy and contribute to a lessening of your hunger, if you let it.

Most of us, most of the time, don’t actually want our entire lunch to be Oreo cheesecake. But if you start with that food, and if you treat it like a Real Food, then you allow it to contribute to your feeling of fullness, rather than just being a form of caloric entertainment that is completely detached from your physical needs.

In the end, you’ll probably eat less, and feel better, than if you ate an entire “normal” meal, and then just ate cheesecake at the end, when you weren’t even hungry.

"The Contrast"

One of the most radical, yet simple, realizations of my eating journey was this:

If I start eating when I’m not hungry, it will be hard to tell when I’m full.

In other words, a clear way to know when to stop eating is that we can feel the contrast: before I was hungry, and this feels very different, and now I’m definitely not hungry.

But if we start eating when we weren’t hungry to begin with — maybe we were neutral (neither hungry nor full), or even somewhere on the fullness spectrum — we will never have that very clear physical cue of the contrast.

There are other physical sensations that will indicate fullness — the feeling of a distended stomach, for example — but often we won’t sense them until we’re quite full, maybe even bordering on uncomfortably full. For most of us, it will be easier to stop at a comfortable point if we can sense the contrast between hunger and our current state.

So, want to make it easier to notice fullness? Just wait until you’re hungry to start eating.

…

And, two key caveats: 

• Of course, there are other, non-physical sensation-related reasons why we might choose to stop eating. Maybe we’ve decided what a “reasonable” portion is, so we stop there. Maybe we’re rushing off to something else and don’t have time to eat more. 
  
  But, most people I work with find that physical sensations are an essential part of assessing when, what, and how much to eat. Other reasons have a tendency of…just disappearing into thin air right when we might need them the most (e.g., when we just got home from work, are exhausted, and eating peanut butter while standing next to the fridge sounds extremely appealing). 
  

• Not all of us can notice the body sensations associated with hunger and fullness. Many of us have forgotten how to do that long ago! However, extensive experience has taught me that almost anyone can re-learn how to do this, and it’s a big theme of the work I do with individual clients and in the Dessert Club.

A reminder

Here’s a reminder that may be especially relevant in this moment of mostly-eating-and-staying-at-home: You are not a human trash can.

It sounds a little silly when I say it like that, and yet, how many of us treat ourselves like human trash cans?

There’s just a little bit left; I’ll eat it so that I don’t have to throw it away.
I don’t feel like it, but I guess I’ll eat these leftovers for the third time this week.

There are two problems with treating ourselves like human trash cans:

• If we urge ourselves to eat when we’re not actually hungry, we are overriding and ignoring our bodily signals. This is the “There’s just a little bit left, I’ll eat it so that I don’t have to throw it away” scenario. 
  
  The more we do this, the fainter and harder to notice these signals become. And if we can’t notice our bodily signals, we’re more likely to make decisions about when and what to eat based on, other, less useful factors — like how much food is on our plate, or whether the donuts “happen to be there” at the office meeting.
  

• If we urge ourselves to eat food that doesn’t actually satisfy us, we may eat past fullness, searching for more pleasure. This is the “I don’t feel like it, but I guess I’ll eat these leftovers for the third time this week” scenario. 
  
  And most of us have experienced how that meal ends. Something like: “Maybe the reason I don’t feel satisfied with this meal is that I didn’t eat enough? I’ll just have a couple more bites…”
  
  And we’re more definitely likely to go scrounging for other foods after our meal. You know, the whole “I’m full, but my dinner didn’t satisfy me, so I really want to have this cookie” thing.

In our efforts to do something good (not waste food), we’ve done something less-than-great (we’ve fed our bodies more food than they need). 

Sometimes this is just a habit (“My mom always said I had to clear my plate!”), but at other times, we have good reasons to treat ourselves like human trash cans. We may feel uncomfortable wasting food when there are hungry people in the world who would love to have more food. Or we don’t want to contribute to food waste as an environmental problem.

I would argue that it’s possible to attempt to be responsible citizens of the world, while also taking good care of ourselves. Here are a couple of possibilities that you might explore, instead of forcing yourself to eat that last serving of soggy leftovers:

• Donate to organizations with your time or money, that help feed the hungry or help environmental sustainability

• Start composting — so at least some of your food scraps don’t go to waste.

• Find other small ways to support our environment — with your home’s energy usage, paper towel usage, how often you get take-out containers, etc.

• Vote for politicians who will enact policies to support the environment and the hungry — individuals alone cannot solve the environmental crisis, for example.

• Keep more non-perishable options on hand, so you have options. Knowing that you have things that you enjoy eating on your pantry shelf, or in your freezer, can make you feel more comfortable buying less food at a time.

• Buy less food at one time when you go to the supermarket or a restaurant. Yes, this will mean that you have to go “get” food a little bit more often — and I know that this is something that we are all particularly trying to minimize right now. But it’s also possible that if you focus on also keeping your pantry and freezer stocked, you won’t have to do it as much as you think. Over time, you will have a better sense of what you like and how far in advance you can predict your desires — so will have a sense of when to plan and when to be flexible.

• Be honest with yourself about what you actually like. Buy the good stuff, the stuff you really enjoy and that makes you feel good. Yes, it might be a little bit more expensive, but it is also far less likely to go to waste. If you like a certain vegetable more in theory than in reality (or vegetables at all!), maybe give yourself a break from buying it. It’s better for the environment that way!

Of course, like almost everything, this issue is a spectrum. Do I sometimes eat leftovers that I’m not 100% ecstatic about? Sure, of course.

But here’s my invitation for you this week: Notice how often you treat yourself like a human trash can. What are you valuing, and what are you not valuing? Are there other ways, to support the things you are trying to value?

​Another (annoying) thing about eating in the era of COVID-19

As an addendum to my last essay, I wanted to share another thing that I’ve noticed about eating in the era of COVID-19. Frankly, it’s an annoying thing.

Here it is: Food isn’t tasting as good to me.

Or, maybe it would be more accurate to say: Food isn’t tasting as good to me as I want it to taste.

I’ve been noticing it the past few weeks, since we’ve all been trying to avoid leaving our homes for any non-essential reasons. At first, I assumed it was because I just wasn’t getting as much variety as I was used to — I couldn’t run out for a dense, intensely chocolate brownie from my local bakery, or a chai latte from my local coffee shop, or a delicious salad from a local restaurant. My husband and I used to enjoy going out for dinner or brunch on a weekend, and we can’t do that anymore (and, while we’d like to get take-out, we’re trying to be extra, extra cautious because of my pregnancy).

And I do think that’s part of it. But I also think it’s something else.

I think the other part is that I’m feeling deprived in my life, as a whole.

I mean, we all are. I’m not here to pity myself — I have it better than most, frankly: I’m able to keep working, I live in a climate where I can take lots of walks in the sunshine, and most people I know and love are healthy or have had relatively mild/moderate experiences with COVID-19.

And yet, it’s also true that I’m feeling deprived. I miss writing and doing admin work at the public library during the day. I miss walks and get-togethers with friends. I miss hanging out with my parents. I miss going out to restaurants or bakeries or even just wandering the aisles of Target when I need to buy deodorant but also want to look at their newest collection of home goods.

I miss being in the world.

Because here’s the thing: I’ve been trying to feed myself delicious things. I’m cooking and baking and buying tasty-looking cookies from the grocery store. And yet, none of it seems to taste quite as good as I would expect.

So what do I do about this? Honestly, I don’t think there’s a single answer. I think a big part of it is accepting that I simply won’t get to feel quite the level of pleasure that I am seeking, and making peace with that.

Mostly, I wanted to share this with you because I often write about how food issues are not just about food. This felt like such a clear example of it to me: I am feeling deprived with food because I am feeling deprived in life.

So, I’ll pose the question to you: Are you noticing this, in your relationship with food recently? How can you sit with the deprivation, even if you can’t necessarily fix it, for now?  

​Eating in the time of COVID-19

Hey there,

How have you been doing with everything that’s going on lately?

For me, it’s felt like a strange week. At the last minute, my husband and I canceled a vacation we had planned for this week, and had a Social Distancing Staycation instead. If I’m being honest, the planned vacation was our babymoon (we’re expecting twins, this June) — and it’s strange to think about expecting new life and such a life transition, in the midst of such an uncertain moment.

I’m not an expert on all that you should be doing to keep yourself physically safe during this time (though please, keep yourself safe!), but in case it’s helpful, I wanted to share some ideas on caring for yourself — your emotional, spiritual, and cognitive health — in the time of COVID-19:

Eating-related self-care

If you’re someone who struggles with your eating, this might be a tough time for you. Maybe you’re home a lot more than usual, and a more anxious or down than usual…and those tortilla chips or pint of ice cream in your kitchen might seem a lot more compelling than usual.

Here are some gentle intentions you might set, to help you make sure that you eat in a way that serves you :

• Try to eat only when you’re sitting down and paying attention to your food. 
  I noticed that I was eating, standing up (while I was preparing food, while I was walking by to go somewhere else) more than usual this week, so I gently reminded myself of this. When we eat without noticing that we’re eating, it’s so easy to eat too much food, or to eat more indulgent food than makes us feel good.

• Try to eat only when you are hungry. In times of stress and/or boredom, food is an extremely compelling pleasure button. So we will eat it for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with actual hunger (here’s my list). Keeping a log of when you eat and if you’re actually hungry, can be a gentle, helpful way to stay aware. 

• Try to ask yourself each time you eat: “What do I want this food to do?” 
  Do you want it to make you feel pleasure? Comfort? Connection? It’s worthwhile noticing what emotions or needs are there when you eat, as best you can.

Non-eating related self-care

The eating stuff is going to be a lot easier if you take excellent care of yourself, in non-eating parts of your life.

• Prioritizing movement, especially outdoors. You might be thinking: I know, I know, movement is good for you, blah blah blah. But I still think it’s worth mentioning because, frankly, in the past week, moving outdoors has been essential for my mental health. 
  
  I’ve taken a daily walk for a long time, but in the past week or so (since I’ve stopped doing most other activities outside of my house) I’ve been taking two walks a day — a longer one in the morning, after breakfast and morning pages, and a second, shorter one, sometime in the afternoon. I often think: Wait, do I actually need to take this second afternoon walk? And then, every stinkin’ time, my mood is noticeably better after I do.
  
  Of course, I’m lucky — in my relatively uncrowded suburban area, it feels safe for me to take walks outside. So just a gentle reminder to do the best you can with movement. 
  

• Getting organized. There are some people on the internet who have a million routines and to-do list “hacks,” and I’m typically not one of them. But recently, even though I’m technically on a “staycation,” it’s been so helpful for me to set a morning routine and also, to make myself a list of things that I’d like to do each day. It’s easy to get a bit vague and disorganized when so many days at home mush into each other, and I’ve really appreciated how a bit of structure has grounded me. 
  

• Be careful about screen time. When you’re home a lot, it’s easy to be on screens a lot. I’ve noticed that some amount of screen time is fun, but too much can make me feel more anxious. I find screens particularly sneaky because it’s often not immediately clear that they’re contributing to my anxiety, but if I reduce my screen time, I typically feel calmer, clearer, and happier within 24 hours. It might be worth noticing how much time you’re actually spending on screens. 
  

• Talking to friends and loved ones. This might be another “duh” recommendation, but this week I’ve really noticed how much better my mood is after chatting with my mom or a friend on the phone. 
  
  

I’d love to hear from any of you, if you’d like to share how you’re doing. And above all, I’m rooting for you (and the world at large) in the week and weeks ahead. We’ve got this.

Katie

​The counter-intuitive thing I do when I’ve eaten too much

Here’s a counter-intuitive thing that I do when I’ve eaten too much (either too much food, or too much indulgent food):

I give myself complete permission to eat, and to eat pleasurable foods.

I think this strategy is counter-intuitive because when we’ve eaten too much — either too much food, or too much indulgent food — most of us tend to do the opposite:

We try to eat less — less indulgent food, and certainly less food overall.

I call this this typical approach the “treat your stomach like your bank account” strategy. It seems to have an internal logic: if you spent too much this week, spend less next week. If you eat too much today, eat less tomorrow.

And yet, this strategy has two major flaws :

• It can trigger a Binge Restrict Death Spiral.
  Some binges are caused by a feeling of restriction, of feeling like we can’t have food we love. So if we — yet again — cut out food we love, we’re just giving more fuel and momentum to the death spiral. It’s better to take a deep breath and let ourselves freaking have more cheesecake or lasagna, when we truly want it (more on that below). 

• It can put too much focus on food — when food wasn’t really the issue. It’s very tempting to focus on the drama of our eating — I can’t believe I ate so much! I need to come up with a reasonable meal plan for the rest of the week so I can compensate for this! And yet, it is very, very likely that the reason that you ate too much was, to a significant extent, not about food at all. 
  
  Instead, it was, for example, about how tired and agitated you feel at the end of your day, and the fact that you happen to be eating peanut butter straight out of the jar while standing next to the fridge is the symptom, not the truest, deepest cause.
  
  If spend all our time and energy treating the symptom (perhaps by running to the supermarket and making ourselves pre-portioned Tupperwares of chicken and vegetables for the next five days), then we will miss out on an opportunity to examine and thoughtfully address the actual underlying causes.

Of course, I want to be clear: when I say that I give myself complete permission to have food, and to have pleasurable foods — I’m not saying that I go on a week-long binge.

Rather, I try to be good to myself and my body. For me, that means listening to myself about when to eat, what to eat, and how much to eat. A binge is often a sign that we are hurting (either our relationship with food is hurting, or we are hurting in our live as a whole) — and giving myself pleasurable food is a way of being kind to myself. Of course “pleasurable food,” might be all sorts of things; it could just as easily be a slice of pie as some watermelon and rotisserie chicken (or all three!).

…

When they first hear this strategy, many people think: oh, I couldn’t possibly do that. It would just *encourage* me to eat too much! It would be a disaster!

And yet, if I can convince them to try it, they are often amazed by how much more calming and kind and easy life feels.  And — perhaps most surprisingly — they typically ​don't ​end up bingeing or over-doing it. Knowing that they ​can ​eat eliminates the desire to continue to feed themselves in a way that doesn't truly serve them. 

So here’s my challenge for you: Next time you eat too much, try out this strategy. How does it work for you? Let me know how it goes!

3 most common causes of an unhappy relationship with food

Most of us know what an unhappy relationship with food feels like. We may feel frustrated or annoyed or out-of-control or embarrassed or secretive.

But what causes that unhappy relationship?

In my experience, it is one of three things:

1. Restriction — you choose to ignore signals about hunger, fullness, or what foods you might like to eat. This is typically done for weight loss, but also for other reasons (e.g., a feeling of control).

2. Disconnection from bodily signals about food — you are unable to notice bodily signals about hunger, fullness, cravings, or how certain foods make you feel. If I were to ask you: “how hungry were you when you started eating that peanut butter from the jar last night? How did it make you feel in your body?” — you might not know the answer.

3. A tendency to frequently use food to solve non-food problems. “Emotional eating” is significantly more complex and subtle than crying over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s when you’ve been dumped.

It’s important to say a couple of things about these three causes:

A. Any of the three can trigger the others.

For example, some people actually start with #3 — a tendency to frequently use food to solve non-food problems — perhaps as children. They may not even notice it because for many years, it doesn’t affect their weight. But at some point (perhaps their metabolism changed, perhaps they started a particularly intense job and stopped exercising), they put on weight, and decide to “get smart” about managing their eating.

This, in turn, triggers #1 and #2 — they are restricting in some way in order to lose weight, and the longer you restrict, the harder it is to notice bodily signals because you are ignoring them. And, of course, it makes #3 worse, because when you feel deprived of food, you are more likely to overly valorize it.

B. A complete solution must address all three

In my experience, a lot of “experts” (even experts who have bestselling books or very large social media presences) focus on only one or two of these causes. They’ll focus on restriction (#1) and suggest just eat whatever you want! That will solve the problem! But if you are frequently ignoring your hunger signals, you aren’t going to feel great in your body.

A more sophisticated approach focused on both restriction (#1) and disconnection from bodily signals about food (#2), and suggests just eat whatever you want while paying attention to hunger signals! But this will be very hard to do if you are still frequently eating for reasons that have nothing to do with food — and, frankly, most of us are doing this, far more than we may currently realize.

A complete must address “body” awareness (can you sense when you are hungry? full? How different foods make you feel?), restriction issues (what are afraid will happen if you trust yourself with food? Is it actually true?), and “non-food” issues (why do you eat when you are not hungry? What needs to change in your life so that food has less of a hold on you?).

C. Weight is the elephant in the room.

Many people will only start taking action on these issues when it affects their weight — or they feel fearful that it will affect their weight.

This is why some approaches or influencers just skip straight to solving body image issues (Love your body! Stop worrying about what you eat!). I believe that for some people, that’s all they need — in which case, great!

But in other cases, a body-image-only approach is like focusing only on eliminating restriction. It does address some very important issues. But even if you feel good about your body, if you frequently eat for non-food reasons (#3)…you may not feel good in your body a lot of the time.

…

So here’s my question for you this weekend: In your personal experience with food, do you experience all three of these causes? Which do you feel like was the first one you experienced?

Your eating problem probably isn’t an information problem.

Most new “diets” act like your problem is an information problem:

You’re doing this because you haven’t learned about ketosis, or intermittent fasting, or counting your macros yet! If you only try it, all of your problems will be solved!

I’m not saying that more information is never helpful. But I am saying that most of the people I talk to know what a basically healthy or sensible diet looks like. They’re smart, and they aren’t confused as to whether a brownie or grilled chicken and vegetables is healthier.

How about giving yourself some credit?

How about releasing the assumption that the perfect combination of when-to-eat/what-to-eat/how-much-to-eat is just one Amazon bestseller or Instagram sensation away?

Do you want to eat when you have to do hard things?

Here’s a question: when you have to do hard things, do you find yourself wanting to eat?

This can look like a number of different things:

• You just finished up a tiring, challenging meeting. Everyone was kind of annoying, and the meeting went on longer than you wished it would. Afterwards, you feel yourself reaching for a muffin from the break room…

• It’s the middle of the afternoon, and you’re at work. You’d not in the mood to deal with these emails or finish up that project. You find yourself reaching for some mini candy bars…

• You’re at a party filled with people. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but something or someone is making you feel jumpy. You find yourself reaching for a handful of tortilla chips…

• You’re wrangling your kids. They’re being loud and difficult. You find yourself reaching for some cookies from the cabinet…

If you frequently find yourself in situations like that, you may begin to believe you have a food problem. As in: I keep eating even though I know I’m not hungry! I have a food problem!

And yet, is it really a food problem? Because it sounds like a life problem to me.

It sounds like your life is tiring or stressful or anxious-making, and for whatever reason — hey, it happens to the best of us — you reach for food in those moments.

I’m not saying that food isn’t causing problems for you. Eating too much in those times might make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy. In the long term, it might affect your health or weight in ways you don’t prefer.

But, if we didn’t reach for food in those moments — which is one thing we gradually explore doing in the Dessert Club — you might find yourself in an even more challenging situation. Your body might feel extremely stressed or angry or tired. You might want to scream or cry. You might feel like you’re about to jump out of your skin, or explode.

(This might sound extreme, but it’s what Dessert Club participants tell me all the time. For most of us, that situation is only hypothetical. They are the brave ones who actually try it.)

Ironically, “removing the food” is actually one of the easier parts. It’s actually dealing with the life problems underneath, and our deepest reactions to them, that can get very, very tricky. Those life problems can be dealt with through experimentation, patience, and kindness.

But you’re never going to get there if you keep thinking that it’s all about the food.

…

Ultimately, if you’re someone who reaches for pita chips or an Oreo when life gets tough, you need an approach that integrates (1) figuring out how to relate to food in a way that serves you better with (2) figuring out how to relate to your life in a way that doesn’t require you to turn to food all the time.

(Oh, and if you’re interested in the Dessert Club, I recently posted the next round of groups, which start in March.)

Let’s talk about something a bit delicate

I want to talk to you about something that’s a bit delicate.  I’ve hesitated to write about it for a while, because it’s a slightly different take than what I read in the body-positive, intuitive eating media that I respect.

It’s something that I often say to clients when we’re talking person-to-person. Person-to-person, I know that I can explain myself and they’ll get it.

But also, I think it’s important and I wonder if it might help you.

So I’m going to go for it today:

I think it’s okay to want to lose weight.

Did you hear me, world? I think it’s okay to want to lose weight!

On one hand, I know that’s not a radical thing to say. The weight loss industry, which had over $72 billion dollars in 2018 sales in the US alone, is selling us that every day. Plus, nearly everyone you see in on tv or in the movies or magazines is thin — and as a result, many of us subconsciously associate slimness with happiness or attractiveness or success or adventure.

And yet, that’s not my deal.

I mean, have you read the Dessert Club manifesto?I strongly believe that all people in all bodies are worthy of equal love, respect, and opportunities. I strongly object to the loud messages that tell us that the only acceptable weight is thin.  

Because of my work, I see the intense pain that can be caused by the pursuit of thinness. I meet a lot of people who have tortured themselves for decades trying to lose weight. I’ve seen how the pursuit of thinness can completely mess with a person’s life. I don’t want that kind of suffering for anyone.

And yet, I still believe that it’s okay to want to lose weight.

You know why? Because I don’t think it ever really works to deny what you want. And if you want to lose weight, then you want to lose weight.

I’ve met with a lot of people who want to lose weight, but also feel that it’s not okay to want to lose weight. They google “how to love your body” and try to remind themselves that “it’s not about how my body looks. It’s what my body can do.” They follow body positive people on social media and read fabulous, feminist articles about how society distorts beauty standards.

I completely support all of those actions. I’ve done many of them myself, and have found them to be very useful. But I’ve also met plenty of people who’ve done all of those actions, and maybe even found some relief from them…but who still, despite it all, want to lose weight.

To which I say: Fine. No problem. So you want to lose weight. That’s not a completely crazy thing to want, especially given the world we live in.  

But here’s what else I tell them:

What else do you want?

Do you want to stop constantly thinking about your food and body size?
Do you want to stop tracking everything you eat and worrying so much about portions?
Do you want to stop having to be hungry so often?
Do you want to walk into a restaurant and order the most delicious thing on the menu without thinking twice?
Do you want to stop having what you ate ruin your day?

Mostly, I tell them this: Even though it’s okay and normal to want conflicting things, unfortunately sometimes you have to choose.

Did you catch that? Sometimes you have to choose. You have to choose between “pursuing weight loss” and “feeling sane around food.”

Of course, not every person has to choose all the time. The world is unfair. But if you are one of those people who has had a lot of past pain and anguish around food and your weight — and if you’re reading this blog, there’s a good chance you are — then yes, you probably do have to choose.

To be clear:

• “Choosing” food sanity doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll gain a ton of weight, or that your body will be unhealthy. Honestly, I have seen all kinds of things happen to people’s weight when they choose sanity around food. Your body may change in a variety of ways — even ways that may be socially-valued! — or it may not.

• You can choose something now, and choose something different later. It’s possible (though I’m not guaranteeing this) — once you have healed yourself, you could choose a different prioritization in the future.

But the bottom line is this: time is finite. Emotional energy is finite. And sometimes, unfortunately, you have to choose.

…

And one more thing: even if you think you want to choose “weight loss”…is that really true?

Because if you often find yourself completely rebelling against your diet or “sensible eating plan,” it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to wonder whether what your true first priority, deep down, is to have a sane and happy and respectful relationship with food and your body.

Even if you think your first priority is weight loss, your actions will typically show you what your first priority actually is.

As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.

My end goal

Sometimes people ask me: Katie, what is your end goal? What do you hope people will achieve with their eating?

So here it is: I want you to eat in a way that serves all parts of you.

I want you to eat in a way that furthers your health as a whole person: your physical health, emotional health, mental health, and spiritual health.

I want you to eat in a way that serves your physical needs, but also your other needs: needs for pleasure or comfort or adventure or convenience or frugality.

Eating in a way that serves all parts of you is inherently complex, nuanced, and variable. Oatmeal for breakfast might be the best choice on one day, but pizza or chocolate cake might be the best choice on a different day.

When I describe it like this, “eating in a way that serves all parts of you” might sound squishy or vague. But it doesn’t have to be. In fact, a big part of my work is helping my clients (in groups or one-on-one) develop a personal methodology for figuring out how to eat in a way that serves them.

In that way, eating in a way that serves all parts of you is kind of like life as a whole. One day it makes sense to stay up late, another day it makes sense to go to bed early. One day we stay late at work, another day we leave early to see a friend. We will all be happiest if we know our values, if we are skillful at moving towards what we value and balancing competing values, and if we are able to understand when and why we are sometimes blocked from moving towards what we value.

So here’s some questions that you might mull over this weekend:

• Are you currently eating in a way that serves all parts of you?

• If not, what parts of you are currently getting prioritized, and which parts are getting neglected?

• What small action could you take to better move towards eating in a way that serves all parts of you?

A post-Thanksgiving/pre-Holiday pep talk

Here in the United States, we just had Thanksgiving and are about to head into the cocktail-parties-and-sugar-cookies season known as “the holidays.” Both can be tough times for people who struggle with food. 

I’ve been thinking about you.

I’ve been hoping that Thanksgiving went okay. That you took good care of yourself — with what you ate, and with how you took care of yourself emotionally.

And if you didn’t take great care of yourself — if you ate too much food, or too much indulgent food, if you felt stressed or insecure — I hope that you’re being gentle with yourself. I hope you’re not panicking and making a plan to give up sugar for the next week.

If you’d like to take better care of yourself for this end-of-year period, but aren’t sure how, I wanted to send a few ideas:

1. A “cleanse” that has nothing to do with food.
   A 48-hour prescription to help you feel calmer, clearer, more connected to yourself, and more cared for.
   
   

2. A gentle way to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself with food
   There’s no counting of calories or macros. There’s no intermittent fasting. Just a practice to bring awareness to when you’re eating, and why.  
   
   

3. Something you can do right now to calm your nervous system
   Try it for 10 minutes. You might feel jumpy at first, but I’m confident you’ll feel calmer and more connected with yourself by the end.
   
   

4. A daily practice that you could try for the upcoming season
   It’s one of my favorites.
   
   

5. Another post-Thanksgiving reminder
   This one still resonates with me. Maybe it’ll resonate with you.

And, as always, I want you to know that I’m rooting for you, in the week (and month) ahead. You’ve got this.

The Art of Precise Eating

Here’s something I’m passionate about:

The amount of food that you have in front of you, at any given moment, is not necessarily the quantity of food that you should actually eat.

The sandwich that you bought at the local deli?
The “single serving” bag of potato chips that you got with your sandwich?
The cookie that you picked up from the break room?
The plate of food that your mom serves you at family dinner?  

It is a random amount of food, set by the deli or Frito-Lay or the bakery or your mom. It does not, and cannot, be the exact correct amount for you at this exact moment in time.

As a result, there is a very high likelihood that it will be either too little or too much. It might be more food than you’re actually hungry for, or not enough. It might be more of a certain kind of food than makes you feel good (e.g., too much cookie), or not enough. 

I find that many people are comfortable seeking out an extra bite or two, or a second portion. But very few of us are comfortable leaving food. We feel awkward if there are three bites of sandwich or two and a half bites of cookie left.

And then, every couple of months, we feel that we “eat too much” and should probably give up sugar or processed carbohydrates entirely, or restrict our portions in some way. (This is yet another version of ping ponging between “worrying about it” and “not worrying about it”)

I’d like to propose an alternative: The Art of Precise Eating.

In the Art of Precise Eating, you eat precisely the amount that is right for you at any given meal. Sometimes that means 100% of a sandwich. But just as often, it means 76% of a sandwich, or 65% or 92% or 113%.

The Art of Precise Eating means that you are able to explore why the thought of leaving a meal with four bites of food left makes you so freaking uncomfortable.

Is it because you’re afraid you’ll never get food this delicious again?
Is it because meals are your “breaks” of fun parts of your day, and you want to prolong it as long as possible?
Is it because you have a history of dieting and being hungry all the time, so you want to fill up while you can?
If is because you feel guilty “wasting” food? 

There’s a good chance there are several reasons.

Some of us think that when we’re eating at home, the amount of food on our plates will be “precisely” the right amount. After all, we served ourselves!

And yet, we’re not the same person, 75% of the way through our meal, that we were at the beginning. Our bellies may have filled us up faster or slower than we anticipated. The food we’re eating may be more or less satisfying than we expected.  

I’m not trying to propose that you exhaust yourself, analyzing your hunger and satisfaction in minute detail at every single second. But many of us, most of the time, go on autopilot once there is food in front of us.

Even a very slight, gentle increase in awareness would do a lot of good.

… 

This morning, I realized 80% of the way through the breakfast that I’d expected to eat that I was done. I was full, and faster than I’d expected when I’d prepared my food.

There was still some bites of beautiful raisin toast and aged gruyere cheese and fresh grapefruit on the table. I knew those foods were delicious and that I would enjoy eating them.

But I also know that eating for purely recreational purposes (e.g., if I’m not hungry) doesn’t usually serve me, and that I could always save these foods and have them later. I knew that there would be plenty of other delicious foods for me to eat today. So I pouted for a brief second, and then put them away in the fridge and moved on with my day.

I’ll ask the same for you: could you try The Art of Precise Eating for one meal today? What happens?

---

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When an apple is a good snack, and when it isn’t.

My sense of deprivation got triggered this week. 

My sense of deprivation used to be a ferocious lion, but because I’ve been doing this work for so many years (a decade now!), it’s now just a kitten who mostly wants to nap all day. But it’s still there.

My sense of deprivation got triggered this week because I’d been eating a lot of apples. Honestly, I think I was just in an apple mood and Fall is apple season. I really enjoyed how sweet and filling they were, and how long they lasted on my counter (versus more perishable summer fruit).  

But then I got attached to being someone who ate a lot of apples.  

I’m a healthy person, I told myself. I’m the kind of person who only eats apples for snacks.

And then I felt like I wasn’t allowed to eat other things for a snack.

Like cinnamon rolls.
Or scones.
Or a cinnamon roll and a scone.  

And then I was really hungry and I really wanted to eat a cinnamon roll and a scone for a snack.

So I did. And the ferociousness with which I ate it, and the degree to which I really, really wanted those things, told me that my sense of deprivation had been triggered. I was wanting these things in a deeper, more intense, and more emotional way than usual.  

But I didn’t want my sense of deprivation to be triggered. I didn't want to be a person who even had a sense of deprivation anymore! So I tried for another day to two to keep being that virtuous person who loved eating apples, and only apples, for snacks. (I bet you can guess how that went.)

But eventually I surrendered.

I said to myself, Katie, I think you just need to let yourself eat more indulgent foods if you want to eat delicious foods.

And I ate indulgent foods.

I mean, I should be clear: I was already eating indulgent foods. I already eat dessert or chocolate at least once (if not twice or even three times) a day.

But the quantity and frequency of my indulgent foods increased noticeably. I wasn’t feeling bad in my body, but I was eating enough extra sugar and butter that I was certainly feeling less good. I got a little nervous. I wondered, is this my new normal?

But you know what happened? I ate some extra indulgent foods for a couple of days. And then…after eating a delicious apple galette from one of my favorite bakeries for a snack, I noticed I was still hungry an hour later.

Hmmm, I thought to myself, I bet an apple would be good.

And you know what? The apple was good. It was sweet and filling and it held me till dinner.

So, in case you needed a reminder:

It’s easy to get attached to an “idea” of yourself.
Your desires are not infinite.
Don’t confuse the outlier with the average (with apples, or with apple galettes).

 Take good care of yourselves, friends. 

Why I don’t necessarily recommend “Not Worrying About It”

Often, in discussions about eating, it seems to me that two choices are being offered:  

1. Worrying about it. This means that we worry — or at least think and plan — about our eating and weight.

2. Not worrying about it. This seems to be the opposite. Eating whatever, whenever. Not worrying about our weight. Throwing away the scale!

For many of us*, neither of these options works particularly well.

“Worrying about it” exhausts us. We can keep it up for a while, but sooner or later, we find ourselves with a dozen cupcakes leftover from that party on our kitchen counter…and we eat way more of them than we’d like to admit.

But “not worrying about it” doesn’t always serve us, either. We love that we don’t have to worry so much about calories or portions or grams of sugar…but we also sometimes (or frequently) feel like we eat in ways that don’t serve us.

A lot of people I speak to are burned out on “worrying about it.” And yet, they’re afraid that I’m going to tell them to “not worry about it,” because they’ve had bad experiences with that, too. People often tell me things like, “I tried to follow intuitive eating and throw away my scale, but then I just kept eating all the time and gained a ton of weight — I think it didn’t work for me.”

To be clear: I do think that getting rid of your scale + worrying less about your precise weight is a great idea, and I think that if you’re craving perfect chocolate chip cookies or perfect fried chicken you should eat those things, and eat them frequently.

However, I also believe that developing a sane, joyful relationship with food is typically more complex than simply saying, “don’t worry about it!”

Here’s why:

Many of us develop our “worrying about it” behaviors because we’ve noticed that we tend to eat in ways that don’t serve us. Maybe we eat when we aren’t actually hungry. Or we choose foods or quantities of foods that don’t actually make us feel good.**

If we just release the restrictions associated with “worrying about it,” without putting any new skills, insights, or tools in its place…there’s a good chance we’ll end up eating in a way that doesn’t serve us. And then, inevitably, we’ll go back to “worrying about it” again, convinced that we “can’t be trusted” around pita chips or shortbread cookies.

The alternative, in my opinion, is we leave the “worrying about it” – “not worrying about it” dichotomy entirely, and go deeper.

There are several fundamental, subtle questions that we have to answer when we go deeper:

•  What does it look like to eat in a way that serves all parts of me (my mind, my body, my spirit, my emotional well-being)?

• Why do I sometimes eat in ways that DON’T serve all parts of me?

• What actions do I need to take to more often eat in ways that serve me?
  These actions may have something to do with eating, or nothing to do at all with eating.

• What are the trade-offs associated with those actions?

These questions are simple to read, but they are very, very complex to answer. Answering them requires deep, personal examination and experimentation. They require a level of self-awareness and a willingness to sit with difficult feelings or emotions that is genuinely hard to achieve. There is no one-size-fits-all approach, and everyone’s “answer” will be complicated.  

I’m going to say it again: these questions are simple to read, but complex to answer.

Deeply engaging with these questions is the core work of the Dessert Club, which start on Tuesday and Wednesday of this coming week! (You can learn more here.) A group like the Dessert Club can be helpful because you can’t engage with these questions by simply reading a book or an article — you need to actually apply the questions to yourself, and try new actions in the world.

You could call this work “gathering data,” “mindfulness,” or “turning up the volume on our inner experience.” But at its core, this work asks that you pay attention — so it’s not the same as simply “not worrying about it.” 

But it’s also, in my opinion, not the same as “worrying about it.” Instead, it’s about gently exploring how you can best take care of yourself in this world, and taking action in that direction. It’s not harsh or aggressive or judgmental.  

Which is all to say: if you feel yourself boomerang-ing from “worrying about it” to “not worrying about it”, why not try something else entirely?

… 

 *It’s worth naming that there are versions of both “worrying about it” and “not worrying about it” that work fabulously well for people. I’m not talking about those people in this essay — if what you’re doing is working fabulously well for you, please keep doing it!

**Of course, those behaviors, themselves, may be triggered by other things — we might eat an entire bag of chips, for example, because earlier that day we went on a four-hour diet.

Frequently Asked Questions about the Dessert Club

I’ve been getting some great questions about the Dessert Club via email, so I thought I would put together an FAQ about the Dessert Club, in case you had any similar questions!  

Don’t see your specific question below? Shoot me an email at katie@katieseaver.com ! I want to make sure that, if you’re contemplating whether to join the Dessert Club, you feel like you’re able to make the right decision for you.

Dessert Club Frequently Asked Questions:  

Q: I’ve read all the information you’ve shared about the Dessert Club, but I’m still not exactly sure what we’ll cover in each session. Can you tell me more about that?

A: I like to frame the overarching goal of the Dessert Club in two ways:

1.  A course in “listening” or “data gathering.” You probably have a rough idea of the “problem,” but the Dessert Club offers an opportunity to gather much, much more detailed information about why you eat the way you do. We’ll be exploring the cognitive, emotional, somatic, environmental, relational, and societal factors that contribute to your specific eating behaviors — almost every past participant has told me that they’ve understood their particular eating patterns in a deeper, more nuanced way than before. Once we have a much better understanding of the “why,” figuring out what to do about it becomes much easier.

2. An opportunity for action. Many people come to the Dessert Club having thought about these issues before. Maybe they’ve taken action — but most of the action might have been things like giving up sugar for 4 weeks because you “ate too much” of it. The structure and accountability of the Dessert Club means that these 8 weeks are a chance for you to actually try things — really specific things that have nothing to do with deprivation or restriction, but are more about addressing the true heart of the issue: “Why do I eat in ways that don’t serve me? And how can I act, more often, in ways that do serve me?”

Each week, we cover a different topic around how we relate to food and our bodies (e.g., hunger, fullness, our bodies, other people, etc.). There’s typically discussion, writing or experiential exercises, and a small “eating” exercise at the end  — it’s called the “Dessert Club”, after all! There’s also specific, actionable homework each week that helps you put our topics into practice.

Most of the topics of the Dessert Club are focused on eating- and body-related topics, but the goal is to understand not only our eating better (e.g., is it easy or hard for us to notice our hunger? Do we feel deprived all the time? Why?), but also our entire lives (e.g., why do I always seem to be overeating at work/with my kids/in the morning? What do I need to know about the rest of my life and what changes do I need to make to relate to food with more ease?)

Q: I’ve done a lot of work around my eating in the past — will I get anything new out of the Dessert Club?

A: I can’t 100% know what work you’ve done (feel free to shoot me an email if you’d like to discuss you particular situation in a more detailed way!). However, I can say that there have been many past Dessert Club participants who had done extensive work on these topics (working with therapists, nutritionists, or coaches, in-patient programs, reading, etc.) who told me that they still got something meaningful out of the group.  

Of course, if you’ve done work on these topics in the past, some of the concepts I will share in the group may be familiar to you. That’s normal! But the Dessert Club is not just about sharing “ideas” — it is, above all, an experiential process of better understanding and taking action in our lives today.

If, despite having done work in the past, you still struggle, there’s probably some things that still need your attention. The goal of the group is to meet you where you are — whether you are just starting on this path, or have been exploring how you relate to food for some time — and give you the structure, space, and accountability to help you with your current challenges.

Q: I’m nervous or dubious about the group aspect of the Dessert Club. Am I going to be forced to share? Is it actually that useful to share with other people?

A: I totally understand how you feel. I’m a private person who would always prefer to figure out things on her own, without having to make myself vulnerable. Especially things that feel embarrassing or shameful — which our relationships with eating can be!

So the first thing I want to tell you is that lots of past Dessert Club participants have told me, “I was really nervous to participate in the group meetings…” or even “I didn’t think the group meetings would be very useful to me…” and then they finish by saying: “…but they ended up being my favorite part, by far!!” You can read more about their stories (and a lot of raves about the group aspect of the program) here.

Many of us have never talked about our complicated and painful relationships with food with other people before — or only in a very limited, guarded way — so being in a group with a bunch of other people who totally “get it” is a very unique and powerful experience. Also, many participants find that the realizations and observations from other group members are really helpful — they help them learn more about themselves.

But I’ll also say that I try to be very respectful of people’s different ways of connecting with the group. Some people will want to share more, and more intimately, while others may want to listen more. I ask everyone to share a check-in at the beginning of each group meeting, but after that, you won’t be randomly “called on” or forced to share, if you’d rather listen. Also, some people are more comfortable sharing via writing, instead of via live conversation, and there’s plenty of opportunity for that in the group as well.

Q: I have a food allergy/feel sick when I have gluten (or dairy or sugar or meat, etc.). Can I still join the Dessert Club?

A: That’s fine! There’s no set food plan — and everyone is encouraged to eat in a way that best serves them.

However, I will also say that the Dessert Club invites you into a broader definition of “health” and “wellbeing” which includes physical health, but also mental, emotional, and spiritual health.  

For example, I’ve worked with many people who think that they “can’t” eat sugar because sugar “makes them feel terrible.” However, I have found that at least some — though not all — of those people have been eating quantities of sugar (or gluten or dairy, etc.) that are simply too large for them. They could, actually, have some smaller quantity of indulgences — and that quantity will vary from person to person — with a very small-to-zero negative impact on their physical health, and a significant improvement in their mental health or happiness.

However, many of us really struggle to eat a quantity of sugar that serves all parts of us — our physical health, but also our emotional, mental, and spiritual health. One of the goals of the Dessert Club is to help you begin to actually discover the right amount of indulgent foods for you, and explore how to eat that quantity on a regular basis.

Q: Who would be a good fit for the Dessert Club?  

A: I answer that in a much more thorough way here and here, but briefly:

1. People who are frustrated with their eating. You’re someone who either keeps your eating “in check” most of the time (though it’s really tiring!), or who keeps “messing up” and eating in ways that don’t serve you (and that’s really frustrating!) — or both!

2. People who are ready for something genuinely different. The Dessert Club invites you into a profoundly different way of relating to your eating and your life. But it’s not necessarily a fit for everyone — many of us, for many reasons, are afraid to try something new (we’re terrified, for example, that we might gain a pound or two if we give up or strictly managed portion control).

3. People who are willing to do the work, and have the time and emotional reserves to do the work. Participants often tell me, Katie, I know you said this work might bring up feelings, but wow! I didn’t expect all that to come up! It can be a deep, important, and impactful experience, but make sure you have some time and energy for it

4. People who want to enjoy food and their life more. You’re not going to be willing to put in the time + emotional energy if you aren’t really, really frustrated with how your relationship to food and your body is affecting you now.

Q: I’d love to join the Dessert Club, but I’d have to miss one session, is that okay?

A: That’s fine! If you have to miss 1-2 sessions, I wouldn’t sweat it — you’ll still feel like you had a nearly “complete” experience. Even if you miss the live session, you’ll get an email from me that summarizes what we discussed and describes the weekly homework, and you’ll be in touch with your fellow Dessert Clubber’s over email between sessions.

If you have to miss more than 2 sessions, I’d recommend waiting until I offer the group again. The live group connection is an important part of the group, and I wouldn’t want you to miss too much of it.

Q; I can’t attend these upcoming Dessert Clubs! Do you have any other suggestions for things I could do?

A: Yes! For some totally free resources, I’d recommend checking out my complete blog archives (here and here) — I describe a bunch of practices you can try, and offer some new ways of thinking about your relationship with food (here’s a couple of actionable places to start: one, two, three)

I also offer individual coaching — if you’d like to have a free, no-pressure conversation with me about what coaching is and whether it might be a good fit for you, you request a call with me here.

If you can organize a group of 4 or more friends who want to be in a Dessert Club, I’ll offer a private group just for you (email me at katie@katieseaver.com for more on that). Or you can just wait until I offer the Dessert Club again! I hope to do so sometime this Spring.

Or — if you just have something specific that you’re struggling with, shoot me an email and ask! I’d love to point you in the direction of a resource or a blog post that might be useful to you.

Q: I’d love to join a Dessert Club, but I can’t afford it!

A: I totally understand — I know that we all have periods of our lives where finances may be tight, and I want to make sure that all sorts of folks can join the group. I’ve made one significantly discounted seat available in each Dessert Club for folks who couldn’t otherwise afford to join, and I hope to be able to do so the next time I offer the groups. Unfortunately, the application deadline has passed and the spots have been filled for this round of the Dessert Club.

If you’d like to apply for a discounted Dessert Club tuition in the future, please sign up to receive my weekly email newsletters — that’s where I’ll be announcing the application when it’s next available.

Q: I still have a question that you haven’t answered here!

A: No worries! Feel free to email me at katie@katieseaver.com . I can either answer it over email, or we can schedule a time to hop on a quick phone call to chat. I want to make sure that all of your questions are answered.

As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.

Katie

p.s. If you’re interested in joining a Dessert Club, you can find more details about the two upcoming groups here. They start next week! :)

Walking, running, eating, and dieting

When I’m talking to people about how they might heal their frustrating, challenging, painful relationships with food, one of the most powerful metaphors I know is about walking vs. running.

Walking is something that’s natural, inherently good for you, and low-stress on your body (for most able-bodied folks).

Running is more mixed. Some people love running! It really works for them and makes them happy or helps them achieve their goals! But running is also harder on your body — if done too much or in a way that doesn’t work for you, it can cause injury, pain, and hurt your capacity to even walk.

Here’s what any physical therapist would probably tell you: if you have an injury from running, you have to give it up for a while.

Can you see where I’m going with this?

In this metaphor, listening to your body about what to eat is walking. You are walking when you:

• Wait until you’re hungry to start eating

• Stop eating when you’re satisfied

• Pay attention to how foods make you feel as a way to figure out how much and what foods to eat

These are the basics — something that’s pretty much universally good for us. I mean, I think all of us can agree that if you frequently eat when you’re not hungry, or you frequently eat past fullness, or you frequently eat foods that don’t make you feel good…you’re probably not taking great care of your body.

Many of people in the world can “walk” with ease — they eat when they’re hungry, stop when they’re full, and use food for pleasure and to care for themselves in a balanced way that works for them.

However, if you’re reading this, there’s a good chance that, at this moment, you’re not one of “those people.” That’s where running comes in.

We’re “running” when we start doing more complex, intense, challenging stuff with our eating. I would put food plans and dieting — including keto, paleo, intermittent fasting, and being vegan because we want to lose weight — in the category of “running.” We’re overriding some innate signals we may have (signals like I’m hungry! or I want to eat cake!), it takes a lot of energy, and most importantly, we can really hurt ourselves — physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.

The challenging part about running is that not everyone hurts themselves. Some people do great! They use running to help themselves become or stay thin or have more socially-prized body shapes. And, frankly, we may be jealous of them (more on my thoughts thinness here, but for now, I’m trying to accurately name how we feel in those moments).

But just because other people be able to run twenty miles a week, for twenty years, without injury doesn’t mean that we can. And, in fact, the longer we’ve been trying to “run,” the more likely it is that we have complex, unhappy, dysfunctional relationships with food.

The longer we’ve been trying to “run,” the more likely it is that we can’t even remember how to walk without pain anymore.

… 

The good news is that it is possible to heal.
The bad news is that you need to give up running. Maybe forever. But definitely for a while.

Healing happens when you stop running, re-learn how to walk without pain. Walking can be simple, low-stress, and joyful. It’s something that is our natural birthright.

And, of course, when I say “walking,” what I really mean is “eating.” Eating can be simple, low-stress, and joyful. It’s something that is our natural birthright. 

There are lots of ways to re-learn how to walk without pain, but one that I highly recommend is joining a Dessert Club. It’s an 8-week, small group class with me, held over video conference so you can join from anywhere. I only run them twice a year, and the next groups start soon. Here’s more info, if you’d like.

And, as always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this. 

26 things that have triggered me to eat

I wanted to make a list of the things that I’ve noticed that have triggered me to eat in ways that don’t serve me. Knowing what they are can help us to notice patterns, or understand ways to intervene.

Do you recognize any of these from your own life? What else would you add to this list?

26 things that have triggered me to eat in a way that doesn’t serve me

1. Walking in the door to my house, after being out in the world.

2. Being about to leave the house.

3. Getting ready for work.

4. Wishing I wasn’t at work (or that I wasn’t stuck at my desk).

5. Being at a dinner with other people.

6. Being at a restaurant.

7. Being at a party.

8. Being alone.

9. Feeling fat.

10. Feeling happy. (feeling happy can actually be kind of intense!

11. Feeling sad.

12. Feeling lonely.

13. Feeling like I have too little to do, boredom.

14. Feeling like I have too much to do.

15. Procrastinating something that I need to do.

16. Wanting a break in the middle of something that I need to do.

17. Wanting some pleasure in my life.

18. Feeling like I’ve had a hard day of work, and now I’m done, so I want a treat.

19. Having intense feelings inside my body that I can’t explain.

20. Being on a diet (even for 10 minutes).

21. Wondering whether I should go on a diet.

22. Having my pants be tight that morning (even if I know that they just shrunk in the wash).

23. Knowing that I have a social event coming up.

24. Knowing that I have a vacation coming up.

25. Feeling insecure about whether I’m successful enough.

26. Being afraid that I won’t get to eat this really delicious thing again.

One more thing about this list – I think there’s something almost deceptive about it. I think it almost makes eating issues seem simple.

You’re a smart person, and you might have looked at the list and thought, well, Katie, you just shouldn’t eat in those moments, then. I mean, obviously.

But if you’re someone who struggles with your eating, it usually doesn’t feel so cut-and-dry. It can be hard to identify, “oh, I’m just eating emotionally” in the moment, because you might feel compelled to eat before you have a chance to actually think or analyze.

And, even more problematically, these 26 moments are most of our lives! I mean – I’ve wanted to eat:  

When I was happy and when I was sad!
When I was with people and when I was alone!
When I was busy and when I have nothing to do!

So, if just about anything in your life can trigger you to eat in a way that doesn’t serve you, you can’t just not eat in those moments! You might never eat! You have to figure out a way to unpack the trigger, so you can meet the underlying need it represents…while still eating if you need to (because, uh, like I said: eating is essential to being a person who is alive).

One great first step is to notice your triggers. So I’d love to crowdsource this and hear from you:

1. Which of the 26 things on my list are most problematic for you?

2. What would you add to this list?  

Would you do me a favor? Comment below and let me know! I’d really love to hear from you + gather data on this.

…

Addendum: A bunch of folks emailed me their own triggers! Here are a few of them, below, in no particular order:

1. My baby's nap time (he's asleep and I finally get a minute to myself! I'll celebrate with chocolate!)

2. When I'm reading...I just LOVE to read and eat at the same time.

3. When I’m trying to cut back on drinking, I end up bingeing or treating myself to things I wouldn’t normally eat.

4. While cooking! i.e., being so hungry for dinner that I nibble and snack while I cook it

5. Shame--about how I'm feeling, what I'm wanting, what I'm eating, what I'm avoiding, how I'm not performing/succeeding, etc

6. Eating too much, or perceived "too much"

7. Fear that what I'm eating is going to hurt my body

8. Fear of missing out